Remembering the One Hot Man of the Quarantine

I’ve been thinking about the name of this blog and realize two things:

First, the title of this blog is problematic in the sense that people might want to delete it from their search history, or might be less inclined to comment or reach out. I wish I’d chosen a different email address for the same reason. HOWEVER the title of my blog is what brings people to my blog! There are many of you who wouldn’t be here without this unfiltered title. And I like the idea of just being honest and not so pearl-clutchy about sex and horniness and masturbation etc. You know what you’re getting into right from the start.

Second, I chose the pseudonym “Ace” because it was a cute nickname from Gilmore Girls. Back then, I’d never heard it used to describe an asexual person. Now I find it both funny and annoying that my pen-name for my blog about how very sexual I am is now a commonly-used term for asexual.

In the months before the quarantine I’d just reached this new place of confidence, having received healing of some core wounds that affected my self-worth and definitely influenced my relationships to men and my beliefs of how they viewed me. I entered into such an exciting time of confidence that I’d never known before and it felt so good. The world felt open to me, possibilities and the potential for joy and growth.

I went on a date with Shakespeare, I noticed men noticing me, I looked forward to interacting with the opposite sex without the subconscious default of why would they notice me? – the belief that I’m unattractive or invisible to men. Instead I could now operate in the belief of why wouldn’t they!? To know that, to really know it, feels so free and amazing. I was starting to really thrive, come into myself, and come alive.

And then…BAM. We went into quarantine and

On the one hand, the quarantine provided me with a stable job that I desperately needed at the time. I was a nanny for a great family with one kid. I had to keep a strict quarantine, and thus, my world got really small again. I stopped going to Meisner, I stopped going to small group and visiting churches, and while my therapy group tried to zoom, we ultimately stopped because it was too hard to go through some of the material during a pandemic over videochat. I lost one of my students that I’d pastored to a car accident, then lost a dear family friend to COVID a few months later. Everyone has experienced loss during these crazy Covid years. These are some of mine.

One of the hardest things as a whole has been feeling like I was put back in a cage after just starting to experience freedom. Before I moved to the city I felt so stuck and I was depressed. And the romantic part of things…feeling excited and ready to date only to be shoved back into isolation…what frustration!

One thing I see is that I did ask the Lord to help me build something for myself. Working at the church all those years, I never made enough to save. It was just enough to get by. Through the nannying job, God provided the stability I needed for that time, and then provided the kind of job I was looking for through that job! I’ve been able to get out of debt and begin to build towards something. I’m pursuing my writing goals. I’ve learned a lot about setting better boundaries and how to do conflict. I no longer feel like I’m just managing to get by. I see that God brought this about through these tough times. I’m thankful.

There has been such a lack of interacting with men during this time that, on the extremely rare occasion it has happened, it’s been memorable.

The most memorable interaction was this guy at an event for my work. He came to my booth to show his parents our product. Guys, I was NOT expecting to turn and suddenly find this giant figure riiiiight next to me under the tent taking up my whole view. Everywhere I looked it was just muscles.

Finally my head craned back far enough for me to see his face. He was attractive and looked to be about my age! And he noticed me noticing and I noticed him noticing and it was suddenly so blatant that we were feeling each other. I explained our project to his sweet parents and before it was done he made a point to ask my name and introduce himself to me (I’ll call him Theseus). They decided they would return the next day to purchase.

The next day my friend and I took a long break when my employers came to relieve us for a bit and I said to her, “I bet they’re going to come back while we are gone.”

I was right. As soon as I got back Mrs. Boss said to me, “I met Theseus,” and wiggles her eyebrow. “He asked for you.”

I was so bummed, you guys. So flippin bummed. But he asked after me! She said he was disappointed I wasn’t there.

His parents still haven’t sent in what we need to provide our service, so technically I could reach out to them to check in since they made a large purchase…

In other news, I’m on a dating app again. I’m doing things differently this time. No time/energy wasting. Low stakes. No trying to convince myself that maybe I could be attracted to them. If it isn’t an immediate yes then it’s a no. The minute I start hating it I’m giving myself permission to delete it. The minute Jesus says to delete, it’s gone. Somehow I just don’t think I’m meeting Husband that way. Intuition or the Holy Spirit? Not sure, and I could be wrong, but I just don’t expect that.

But I do see it serving me right now to show up and practice socializing, to put some of my focus on me as a romance-able and datable person to motivate self-care. Meaning, during quarantine it really didn’t matter what my hair looked like because no one of interest was going to see me so my standards for what my hair looks like on a daily basis have really lowered. But if I’m going on a date in the foreseeable future I’m going to start investing in myself and being aware of such things again. And hair is just an example. It’s self-awareness for the inward as well as the outward that I want to motivate. Plus, who knows! Maybe I’ll have some fun date experiences and meet some nice people. Prayers are appreciated!