“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair”
– After the Storm by Mumford and Sons
I cried yesterday.
For once I think it was a healthy cry. I let myself feel my emotions as they happened instead of stuffing them down.
In my extremely long post Jealous Rage Monster I described the group of really close friends that I had in high school. Basically, my tears were over the fact that I will be last. Over the feeling of being left behind.
Reader, Charmer, and Wit are married. Hippie probably doesn’t plan to marry anyone. And Dreamer has found herself a wonderful Irish man. She left yesterday to visit him for 3 months, and it is very likely she will come back engaged.
It was hard saying goodbye to her knowing that everything is about to change.
Why is it so hard for some of us? Or a better question: why is it so easy for others? I can’t help but wonder if there is something glaringly wrong with me that makes me undesirable. People are constantly trying to set Bushbaby up with people. Probably because she’s younger and she’s a charmer. Everyone loves her.
But it is hard being the last and it is hard being overlooked. It’s difficult to keep myself from comparing or thinking I am not enough and too much at the same time.
However, Dreamer told me yesterday, “I always thought that you had unrealistic expectations about your future husband, Ace. I always thought you would have to move to the city and work harder to put yourself out there. But God just dropped Irishman into my life out of nowhere and worked everything out so much more perfectly than I could have imagined…I know that He can do the same for you.”
Basically, what she meant but failed to say was “You were right after all.” She moved to the city and “put herself out there” for years and that wasn’t the reason she met Irishman. God worked everything out between them, hand picked him, just so perfectly. They have an incredible story so far.
I have two battling reactions to Dreamer and Irishman. I’m tempted yet again to give up and shut off my heart because being left behind is painful, watching the dream happen for someone else can really hurt, I can’t deny that I am also filled with joy and hope. I LOVE that God has worked everything out so beautifully for my dear, dear friend. It makes me so happy and excited for her. She’s one of the people who I really respect for how she’s sought the Lord and I love seeing how He’s blessed her. And seeing God display His love for her and how awesome it is because of her faithfulness fills me with hope that He truly can work everything out for me. My expectations of God when it comes to my story are not too high. He can and will do amazing things, and I can make room for those things by trusting and being faithful. If He does have marriage planned for my future, by George, my story will be spectacular.
“Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.” – Psalm 126:5