What Are You Gonna Be?…A Sexy Beast!

The title of this post is the pep-talk that Bushbaby and I give one another at the gym.

“What Are you!?”

“A sexy beast!”

“What you gonna feel like when you go shopping!?”

“A sexy beast!”

“When you get married one day your man will find out what he already suspected…”

“That I’m a sexy dang beast!”

I have never really worked out in my life. Exercise was something I never really knew how to fit into my daily schedule.

About a month ago I decided to join Bushbaby at the gym. After a week I signed up. I can do it! I can be healthy! I can eventually be hot! I am a sexy beast!

To be honest, the idea of future-sex (I’m not referring to Justin Timberlake’s album, but actual sex-in-the-future (which sounds like the title of something weird (I actually mean the sex that I hope to have with my future hubby)))….It’s great incentive to get in shape. And being in shape gives energy and makes you happier and all that so it’s all around a good thing that I’m doing it at last.

Working out is not the only thing that has changed recently.

Thanks to some of you who commented on my post “2 Topics” I realized that I really hadn’t asked God about online dating. I’d kind of already made up my mind without actually praying about it. So, earlier this week I set up a profile on a site and browsed without signing up. I asked God to help me know if I should pursue this, pay the money, etc. I wasn’t sure. I talked to Bushbaby about it that afternoon and she suggested setting out a fleece. It was decided that if anyone mentioned online dating in any form before midnight, then I should sign up and do it. If not, then God had another plan and I didn’t have to. We went to bible-study, I talked to Logicat afterwards. 12:00am came and went and no one had breathed a word about online dating.

I deleted my profile and can now legitimately say that I prayed about it and God said no. He made it clear. So that’s nice.

It’s really nice, actually, because I’ve given God the pen, and…well…these are my confessions after all…so here’s the honest truth.

I can’t help but feel that if I’ve waited this long to fall in love, and it is the one thing I’ve ALWAYS desired, and it is the hardest thing I’ve had to surrender and resurrender to God time and time again, and that I am trusting that He knows better than me what my story should be…Well, if all that is true, and He’s the God of the universe who ROSE FROM THE DEAD, then surely He has an AMAZING story for me and My Man that is miraculous and beautiful. And, while I’m sure that God could make something miraculous and beautiful out of online dating, it just doesn’t seem good enough compared to what else He might do. Especially not after I’ve waited this long. I expect an EPIC romance that is worth the wait!

Now, having confessed all that, I know that much of this thinking is wrong. That’s why it’s a confession. Why does everything inside me tell me that I’m deserving of this!? I know I should refute it and tell myself the truths that I know, but there is a stubbornness that digs its heels and clenches its fists. It says, “No! From birth I’ve felt that this is what I was created for! I’ve never been without the wanting of it! Everything within me craves and yearns to love him! Where is he? I must meet him soon and our story must be wonderful!”

I want to bring my case to God, like Job or David, recounting the years I’ve been patient, that I’ve given to the service of the Lord, the times that others compromised and I did not. But I can’t because I know that I am not righteous or deserving, but for the blood of Jesus. Jesus, who doesn’t want my service and acts of righteousness as much as He wants my heart.

Sometimes I don’t know how to reconcile loving God with my whole heart and still asking for what I want so badly. To say, “God, because I am your child and you love me you should give me my romance,” suggests that God’s love hinges on Him doing what I want and not on the all-encompassing love demonstrated on the cross.

Why do I feel like I’m owed this beautiful story of love? I KNOW that Christ’s love is enough and no story will ever be as epic as the way He won me. It’s not just that He would die for me…He DID die for me! That love is eternal! But I FEEL that my story is incomplete without an earthly, tangible romance. It’s ingrained in me to my very depths.

I am not a passionate person. It takes a lot for me to feel strongly about anything. But I am passionate about this. And I don’t know what to do about it.