I just came back from an old friend’s wedding. I saw a LOT of people I know but am not really friends with.
I’m an introvert. I’m not shy but, on a daily-basis, being around people non-stop drains the heck out of me.
Being around acquaintances, a very large group of them in which we are all crowded together in an enclosed space is much much worse. I feel so uncomfortable its like the pressure of being there squeezes out my energy at an alarming rate. I’m left feeling insecure, out of place, and the opposite of happy, while pretending to be confident, content, and glad to see all these people that I really don’t care to see for the most part.
Because I don’t want to be a taciturn dud who just sits there while the party rages, and yet I can’t really get comfortable enough to go party with these people I’m not really friends with. I end up going to and fro, talking to people here and there, constantly looking for something to do or just standing awkwardly, trying to find some reason for existing in the chaos, and the whole time I’m miserable and counting the minutes until its over with.
So, why not just sit there, you ask?
Because, as a Horny Christian Single Girl who’s social life is limited to her small, eligible-batchelorless church family and has little time to try to go somewhere else to meet people, a wedding is just about the only place to do just that.
And goodness knows that if I were to just sit there in dud-like fashion, my parents, siblings, extra church parents, and my very own self would be disappointed that I wasn’t “putting myself out there.”
What the heck does that even mean!!!!???
Do I just stand by myself, smiling at nothing, hoping that a guy would walk up and start talking to me? Must I go up and introduce myself to every guy I think is cute, whether I know if they are taken or not? I mean, really? Am I supposed to stare a guy down until he’s either freaked out or turned on?
How am I supposed to figure it out while being in my least favorite situation? Honestly, I feel like I’ve done much better in emergency situations! I stayed calm and was able to do what needed to be done, but put me at a party with tons of people who aren’t my friends and I implode.
And don’t anyone say that I should just relax and enjoy myself. That is like me telling you extroverts to go on a week-long vacation all by yourself and relax and enjoy yourself (sounds like great fun to me!).
Ok, I’m going to calm down now. It was a really long wedding and reception. And I felt like this for hours and needed to vent. Thanks, blog!
It was a gorgeous wedding. The closest to what I want my wedding to be like than any I’ve ever been to. Only I would be on the inside of the celebration, surrounded by my closest friends, not on the outside feeling uncomfortable and alone. Trying to stop wanting and hoping because the wanting and hoping hurt. Guilty because it’s not about me, but about these wonderful people who I’ve come to celebrate.
Parties make me feel like the worst version of myself. I feel like a total failure.
My heart hurts.