Wedding

I just came back from an old friend’s wedding. I saw a LOT of people I know but am not really friends with.

I’m an introvert. I’m not shy but, on a daily-basis, being around people non-stop drains the heck out of me.

Being around acquaintances, a very large group of them in which we are all crowded together in an enclosed space is much much worse. I feel so uncomfortable its like the pressure of being there squeezes out my energy at an alarming rate. I’m left feeling insecure, out of place, and the opposite of happy, while pretending to be confident, content, and glad to see all these people that I really don’t care to see for the most part.

Because I don’t want to be a taciturn dud who just sits there while the party rages, and yet I can’t really get comfortable enough to go party with these people I’m not really friends with. I end up going to and fro, talking to people here and there, constantly looking for something to do or just standing awkwardly, trying to find some reason for existing in the chaos, and the whole time I’m miserable and counting the minutes until its over with. 

So, why not just sit there, you ask?

Because, as a Horny Christian Single Girl who’s social life is limited to her small, eligible-batchelorless church family and has little time to try to go somewhere else to meet people, a wedding is just about the only place to do just that. 

And goodness knows that if I were to just sit there in dud-like fashion, my parents, siblings, extra church parents, and my very own self would be disappointed that I wasn’t “putting myself out there.” 

What the heck does that even mean!!!!???

Do I just stand by myself, smiling at nothing, hoping that a guy would walk up and start talking to me? Must I go up and introduce myself to every guy I think is cute, whether I know if they are taken or not? I mean, really? Am I supposed to stare a guy down until he’s either freaked out or turned on?  

How am I supposed to figure it out while being in my least favorite situation? Honestly, I feel like I’ve done much better in emergency situations! I stayed calm and was able to do what needed to be done, but put me at a party with tons of people who aren’t my friends and I implode.

And don’t anyone say that I should just relax and enjoy myself. That is like me telling you extroverts to go on a week-long vacation all by yourself and relax and enjoy yourself (sounds like great fun to me!). 

*Deep breath*

Ok, I’m going to calm down now. It was a really long wedding and reception. And I felt like this for hours and needed to vent. Thanks, blog!

It was a gorgeous wedding. The closest to what I want my wedding to be like than any I’ve ever been to. Only I would be on the inside of the celebration, surrounded by my closest friends, not on the outside feeling uncomfortable and alone. Trying to stop wanting and hoping because the wanting and hoping hurt. Guilty because it’s not about me, but about these wonderful people who I’ve come to celebrate. 

Parties make me feel like the worst version of myself. I feel like a total failure.

 

My heart hurts. 

 

 

 

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Surrender

An image of the Throne of God comes to mind as I sit on my bed, heart sore and tears in my eyes.

I realize that my passion for what I hope to have, for what I’ve always longed for, what I don’t have, is draining my attention and affection from what I do.

“God, you placed me here. You put me in the lives of these brothers and sisters-in-christ for this time and for Your purpose. I know I’m passionate about my future husband, and he’s not even a blip on the horizon! I also know that you can give me zeal and compassion for those that are right before me. So I want to lay all this down at your feet. Future Hubby and everything that goes along with the idea of him. I want to leave him before the throne for now, trading my passion for him for the passion You have for the people who are here. All of my hope and desire for him still exists, it’s just going to remain at your feet for a while so that I can focus on what’s in front of me.”

Not long after my last post I had this conversation with the Lord. I realized a few things about surrendering my love life to God over the years, the main thing being that I’ve surrendered the same longings and desires over and over, but the reason why I’ve surrendered has changed. All are good reasons and necessary realizations, but I can see growth as the motivations have changed.

The first time I can remember really conversing with God on this subject was when I was sixteen or seventeen. I was at summer camp and decided to commit to setting boundaries that I felt that God wanted me to set. I didn’t have a boyfriend all through high school, but I desired one then as much as I do now, if not more. It wasn’t even a camp subject. God was just speaking to me about it and I remember committing to not kiss until I knew I was going to marry him. He also had me commit to asking myself, “If we waited, would it be better?” Even back then I knew I was in danger of my horniness and understood that I might need seemingly extreme boundaries to hold my passion in check. I wanted to please God and not make mistakes that could be avoided with some wisdom. So I surrendered my boundaries to Him.

In college I surrendered my story. I realized that God knew what I needed way better than I did, and He could write my love story way better than I could! I wanted God’s absolute best for me, so I surrendered trying to control how and when it happened. I remember praying, “God, if it isn’t Your perfect timing, then I don’t want it.” In the same vein I asked God that I would only fall in love with the man I was going to marry. I didn’t want to just date for the sake of dating. I didn’t want to have to go through multiple relationships. I wanted only the man I was going to marry.

Between those early years of college and this past year, most of my surrendering has been motivated by the desire to remove distraction from where God has me and the desire to fall more in love with Him. I wanted to be satisfied in God and for the potential idol to be torn down.

So, let’s recap this evolution of motivation. I surrendered my love life to God because:

  1. I wanted to avoid making mistakes (I wanted to please God by living righteously)
  2. I wanted God’s best for my love story (which was better than I could ever come up with)
  3. I wanted to focus on my relationship with God and what He had for me at that season
  4. (And now this new one) I genuinely want to surrender the passion I have for my personal dreams so that I can have passion instead for the church.

All good reasons! This most recent one made me come to the realization that it’s the first motivation that isn’t self-serving. I want to pour out God’s love on those He’s placed in my life and I see my pining affection for my future husband as a hindrance to that.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to desire what I do and I’m not saying the desire needs to be done-away with. I just need to put it in God’s hands and then receive whatever He wants to place in mine. He will hold onto that Future Husband passion for me until I need it, if that day ever comes.

In the meantime I want to be attuned to the Holy Spirit so that He can fill me with a passion I do not naturally have. I believe that God can fill me with His passion for each person I come in contact with, and how I want that! I want to care about them with as much fervor as I spend on thinking about someone I don’t even know yet!