Hello world!

It’s time to come clean.

I am a 25 year old woman. I am a follower of Jesus Christ.

And I want sex. Most of the time.

I’ve never had sex and I don’t plan on doing it until I’m married. But I want it. BAD.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The carnal desire burning in my loins is not all that drives my longing for a man. I am quite the romantic and cannot wait to fall in love. I get lonely and I daydream about being pursued. I think about having a family and growing old with someone. I think about being able to hug him whenever I want because he’s mine. I think of true intimacy and two becoming one in the beautiful way God created.

But sometimes I just want sex. I just want some relief from this body that insists it’s supposed to be making babies right now.

Me: Doot de do. I’m minding my own business right now.

My body: SEEEEEXXXXXXXXX!!!!! NOOOOOWWWW!!!

Me: What the heck? I was just reading my book!

My body: EXCUSE ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOU’RE 25 AND SHOULD BE WORKING ON GROWING YOUR 16th KID BY NOW! I’VE BEEN REARIN TO GO SINCE YOU WERE 12!

Me: Well, calm down! You know you belong to my future hubby.

My body: FUTURE HUBBY! EVEN THE THOUGHT OF HIM GET’S ME GOIN!

And if the battle with my physical hormonal body is bad enough, the battle with my mind is awful. Don’t lie. If you live in the United States you know what I’m talking about to some extent.

See, here’s the thing:

The only way to shield your mind from the sex-worshipping society we live in would be to move to an Amish or Mennonite community, or possibly a mountainous cave in Appalachia or the Rockies. Maybe the desert. That might work, too. But I don’t think Jesus called us to remove ourselves from the world. Instead He told us to bring His kingdom to the world.

I don’t think we’re supposed to repress our sexuality, but instead learn how to deal with it with God. It is a good thing that I have these desires.

I keep telling myself that but I’ve honestly yelled at God before because I’d rather not have the desires at all than to burn with passion that cannot be fulfilled.

And every day that I get on the internet, turn on the TV, drive down the road, pass a magazine rack, or function in this society I am reminded of what my body already wants to be doing!

Not only that, but I have a very active imagination. Even without seeing the things I’ve seen or reading the things I’ve read I could probably imagine something sensual enough to get me hot. And my mind likes to get me hot, apparently.

I’m going to tell you my struggles.

Why, you ask? Well, because for a long time in my life I thought I was weird. The only girl who dealt with lust. I thought I had too much testosterone or something because only people with penises were supposed to want sex that much.

LIES!! So many women struggle with this and I want to break the habit we have of trying to look NICE. We’re human. I think I’ve cheapened my redemption in Christ by not being real. By caring what people think of me when really all they need to see is that Jesus has forgiven and He came to set us free.

Also, I hope that by writing about this I can fight for holiness in this area of my life.

So. Confession time.

– I was the little kid that humped things. I was sexually active before I knew what it was. My poor mom was constantly getting onto me about it. So I tried better to hide it. Around the age of ten I stopped because I decided to. After learning more in depth what sex was I started masturbating again when I was 11 or 12.

I haven’t stopped.

– It is not a constant thing, though at times it has been routine. In college I finally confessed my struggle to some of my friends and tried to swear off ever doing it again.

This, I found did not work and I was more shamed and frustrated with myself than ever and I let that get between me and God. God helped me realize that even in the midst of my failure He was right there and I was already forgiven. I didn’t have to work my way back into His good graces. He was right there waiting to love me the whole time.

He did show me that this was not a cold-turkey quits battle. It was a day by day, moment by moment walk. I have found in the past few years that in times when I am walking close with God I find the strength to resist temptation and take thoughts captive (most of the time), but when I’m not pressing into Him I have no self-control and I don’t say no. It becomes all yes-and-give-me-more. Even when I’ve felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit telling me not to go down that mental road, I’ve blatantly done it anyway.

– For a very long time my imagination was enough to fuel my habit. In college I began seeking out sex scenes in movies and erotic images. Yes. Women do struggle with porn! I still struggle with this.

– I feel no guilt. A friend told me that before she was married she’d masturbated but she stopped because she felt really guilty about it. I was so jealous of her when she said that! If only I would be wracked with a terrible guilt when I treat the Holy Spirit’s temple like it exists for my own pleasure then maybe I could stop! But no such luck. I’m really good at coming up with excuses:

Maybe I’m supposed to masturbate.The Bible doesn’t say specifically that it’s wrong. I don’t have to lust after an actual person to do it. Maybe it’s healthier. I’ll be more comfortable with having sex if I know what I like, etc.

But then I think, “If it isn’t wrong then why am I so hesitant to ask God if it is? If it isn’t wrong then why does it happen when I’m not close to God? Why do I feel farther away from Him when I’m doing it?”

– My last confession, the one I don’t want to face. I am the worship pastor at my church. I have done my very best to save myself for my husband. Because of my high sex drive and lack of self control I made a promise to God that I would save my first kiss for my husband. I won’t kiss him until I know I’m going to marry him. I dated this guy in college and I wouldn’t let him hold my hand because God told me to set this boundary for myself:

I am to always ask, “Would this be better if we waited?” Anticipation will grow. Our relationship will earn intimacy with commitment.

I didn’t want the first guy I held hands with be some guy I was trying to figure out if I liked. I wanted it to be MY guy, after I knew I was mad about him.

(For the record, I know that my boundaries with men are really high and I don’t hold other people to them or look down on anyone for not having the same. They are just what God has required of me.)

SO, the result is that on the outside I’m this freaking unicorn of purity. The chaste maiden dressed in white with a halo shining behind her, while behind closed doors I do shameful things and in my head I’m a whore.

The word that kills me is integrity.

I try not to be a hypocrite. I don’t act like I’m better than anyone and I don’t pretend to be perfect. I tell people I have struggles and on Sundays after I’ve had a bad week I get in front of people and preach the gospel to myself and them. Because really, whether this was my struggle or not, my very best is like filthy rags compared to God’s holiness. I know that I have no worth but in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus and the new life that He’s given me.

I just wish that I was better at choosing Him.

Or that there was an off switch to the desires of the flesh. I mean, really. Why couldn’t God have made periods and sexual desire happen once you were married!?

I suppose it’s yet another way for me to learn to depend on Him.

For those of you out there who struggle with lust, masturbation, porn, and any other sexual sin, you are not alone. God loves you and is right there, right now waiting with open arms. He’s not waiting to give you a lecture or a disappointed look. Just forgiveness and grace.

Jesus, help us, your daughters want you above all else. Help us in this enormous fight for Holiness. It is not an easy battle.

For that girl who is plagued with shame and guilt because of sexual sin, show her how to rest in Your grace and love. Show her how much you value her.

For those of us who feel numb, thaw our hearts that have been calloused by lies and excuses. Awaken in us a passion and desire for what is right.

And for the one who has given up bring hope and courage. You came to redeem us out of slavery to sin, Jesus, so please help us live in freedom!

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