I never thought about the term “bust a gut” much, but I think I just experienced it. Literally. Not metaphorically. I just laughed so hard I think I pulled one of my abs. Ouch!
The source of my laughter: hilarious autocorrects.
I needed a good laugh, but there was a moment when I lost control of myself in hysterics. I couldn’t stop laughing even though I no longer remembered what was funny. Tears poured down my face and then I found that I was actually crying…like lump in the throat and sobs. Then I made myself breath and was laughing again. It was weird.
Okay, well…considering this is Confessions I’ll come clean. It wasn’t all that weird. I’d just cried all the way home in my car a few hours ago.
It’s not often that I cry. I tend to subconsciously sweep my emotions under the rug until it turns into a great big dirty emotional rug-monster and attacks me. Then I deal with it.
Tonight the rug-monster threatens. I haven’t dealt with anything in a while. I am beginning to understand the importance of taking care of your heart and dealing with your emotions, but how to do it is something else. Not to mention, that I don’t want to.
Because emotions are messy and stupid and I should just get over it because of this or that truth that I know and believe, right?
Yet here I am. Confessing that I’m not okay. Not tonight. Not today. Not for a while.
No tragedies or conflicts of great proportion to explain my current state. I have everything to be grateful for. But I am sad and unhappy. And I feel bad for feeling that way because the truths I know and believe make me think that I shouldn’t be feeling that way.
I know that emotions are not beliefs. I know that I can feel lonely while believing that God is with me and enough for me. But I’m uncomfortable with my emotions and have always tried to reject them, so reconciling that is hard. I don’t want to be sad, or angry, or jealous, or discouraged. I don’t want to be in pain. Who does?
But tonight, in the car, the thoughts that tumbled through my head were these.
I’m just so angry.
At nothing and everything.
And I know that I’m as stupid as it gets for not taking it to God because I know the truth.
And yet I don’t want to.
Because I don’t want to go there. To that place of emotions. I don’t want to feel that way.
But I’m just like the elder brother of the prodigal son.
I’m so angry and hurt that this is my situation and that is theirs, that I continue to toil through my life instead of joining the party…not realizing that I already share everything my Father has, including His love and companionship.
Allowing myself to actually feel these emotions and own up to feeling them is humbling because I know better than to be that brother. But emotions serve a purpose and I am human. A fallen one in need of grace who has a Father who lavishes it and shares with me everything He has.
It’s been hard for me to write because I don’t want to just get on here and complain. Nor do I want to give the wrong impression that I have everything together. Lord knows we don’t need more of that in this world.***
So I’ll try to be honest. I’ll try to say the things that are hard for me to face. Because I need to. And I hope that maybe someone might read it and need me to, too.
***Sidenote rant: Pinterest is super fun and I’m glad someone came up with it and I joined. However, I can’t help but feel poor, uncultured, and unorganized sometimes while pinning. And, let’s be honest, sometimes I feel like a total failure at life and womanhood because of it. Couple that with your Facebook newsfeed, where you see all your friends’ and acquaintances’ perfect lives where they can’t help but gush about how much they love their husband or how pumped they are to go workout or pictures of their adorable babies and beautiful engagement rings and you’ve got a nice cocktail of self-pity and self-hatred all stirred up. With a nice little garnish of bitterness on the side 😉 Basically, I don’t want this blog to ever be like that. No more lists of things to live up to or another place where I feel like I have to hide the mess.