I started this post right after posting the previous one and just finished it today. So if it feels disjointed that’s why. But I’m glad to be back and caught up at last!
What Happened with Shanks
My Meisner class takes place at Shanks’ house where he lives with other creatives including my Meisner teacher. Shanks only attends class occasionally and most of the time I don’t see him at all.
I spiraled into a time of overanalyzing because things got awkward between us every time we spoke. I couldn’t figure out if it was because my mind went blank anytime I tried to talk to him and he really couldn’t care less or if he was just as aware of me and feeling the awkward pressure himself. Where I stood with him was that I was not in love with him but I was interested. He was definitely on my radar. I no longer want to assume guys just aren’t interested in me because I don’t think that’s true and I miss opportunities because of that assumption. And in the past I have been wrong about him and know that I haven’t been able to read him well because he’s so internal about everything. And I have no idea what the heck this guy is thinking ever. Thus…overanalyzing. Don’t want to make something out of nothing but don’t want to dismiss something as nothing if it’s there.
Ah…to be a woman.
He came to class and I got paired with him and his ex girlfriend was sitting there and we were so awkward…him more than me that time. Meisner is awkward for everyone if you don’t do it consistently and even then can be super awkward, so it might not have been because his ex was there and there was something actually between us. Or maybe so. Either way I was a little panicked and the exercise went over like a car that won’t start. It was weird and halting and it was a lot of us staring and laughing uncomfortably at one another. Not fun.
One day I was thinking about taking more chances and told myself that if Shanks was at his house and I saw him, I’d make an effort to try to talk to him…maybe even ask if he wanted to go for a walk or something. I did see him talking in his kitchen and walked out with some of my classmates. Once I said goodbye to them I got in my car and then debated what to do. Then I remembered that a leak had just appeared in my car the day before. I walked back to the house and knocked on the door. I could see Shanks talking in the kitchen but it was Teacher who came to the door.
“I’m just wondering if Shanks knows anything about cars and would mind taking a look at mine. It’s not a problem…just a leak.”
Teacher gives me this look like he knows exactly what I’m up to and says, “I don’t know anything about that. Hey, Shanks! Can you help her with her car?”
Immediately Shanks is like, “Yeah! What’s up!?” Like…happily jumped to help me. We go out and he’s looking at my door to see if he sees anything but it’s obvious he doesn’t really know the answer, just a vague idea but he’s doing his best anyway. We are both smiling a lot and I’m asking how he’s been and then this guy Arty McGee comes out. Dang it, Arty. Dang it. He’s oblivious to the fact that I’m doing my best introvert’s attempt at flirting with another introvert. And it turns from actual chit chat to Shanks then telling us about his latest project…which is cool and I respect, but also it was like a safety net move on his part, I think. It was still nice and never got awkward and I didn’t blank out.
At this point the overanalyzing was full-swing and I finally spoke with Dreamer about it and asked her flat-out. If he was interested does he need a lot of encouragement or would he just do something about it? The answer was that he absolutely would do something about it. Which finally let me put to rest the thoughts of Maybe he feels the exact same way I do and neither of us knows how to breach it? If he’s done nothing after knowing me for 5 years…I can safely assume he’s not interested. Which frees me up to let it go and stop worrying about what he’s thinking or not thinking. Which has actually helped me be myself around him and we’ve had some decently normal interactions! And when all is said and done…that’s what I’ve wanted most all along. For things to stop being awkward and to feel self-conscious around him because he is a cool person and someone worth knowing.
Why do we get so stuck in our heads about this stuff!? We being myself and other people who live in their thoughts more than things actually happening in the real world around them? I’m starting to practice taking what is real as it comes, being more present and observant, and not wandering into what ifs as much. I think this is good because it helps me live actively and not just be a daydreaming spectator. Plus it’s really connecting with people instead of speculating. Walter Mitty stuff right here, folks.
So basically nothing happened with Shanks except that I got out of my head about him and can converse more naturally with him. We aren’t hang-out kind of friends at this point and that’s ok, but I do think he likes me as a person so that’s nice.
What Happened with Me
I’ve mentioned before that learning about my Meyers-Briggs personality type was very helpful and freeing for me. I’m the only INFP in a family of STJ’s. The struggle, as they say, was very real.
Basically, I grew up in a home where I felt that my feelings were constantly invalidated and being “sensitive” was an inconvenient and embarrassing thing. So I learned to invalidate my own feelings. I used logic to try to rid myself of them because I “needed to stand on the truth” and I explained away people’s hurtful behavior. I was so out of touch for so long I remember saying things like, “I have emotions but they are way down in there. I don’t know what I’m feeling.” I went through seasons of depression. I struggled so hard with shame and lust. I constantly used escapism either through entertainment or my imagination. I numbed out to the world.
What else could I do when I invalidated the very driver within me: my feelings! An INFP has introverted feeling (Fi) as their dominant function. That function asks the question How do I feel about this? It’s a very gut sort of feel. Something feels right or not. Which means sometimes I know something is right or not and there’s no logical explanation. But with the close people in my life logic was the only accepted reason. Feelings were not a legitimate reason.
I’m not a good arguer. Put me against someone who knows their way around an argument and it’s likely I’ll lose…even if I’m right. It’s common for INFPs to be rather awful at it. We just start spouting illogical nonsense and get emotionally overwhelmed if it gets heated. Which means its really hard to try to speak up for ourselves. We get talked over, walked over, and invalidated because we can’t hold up a “logical” argument. Speaking from experience: it freaking sucks. Here we also see the reason INFPs are known for being passive aggressive. We don’t always know how to fight for ourselves directly so it comes out sideways.
Learning about my type was extremely helpful to me. To not only know that I actually AM different and I actually process differently than the rest of family who process far more similarly to one another, and that its not a bad thing but a good thing… it was like balm or like coming home to myself. And it was only the beginning of a very important leg on my journey of growth.
Next, I jumped full force onto the enneagram bandwagon and am still taking it for a lovely spin!
If the MBTI is a good way to describe how you function, the enneagram looks at the why. It helps answer what your core drivers are, and also is meant to be used as a tool for personal growth. It’s a bit more of an active tool.
Check out the Sleeping At Last podcasts on his Enneagram song series. Ryan is such a beautiful human who makes truly beautiful music. And the podcast is such a great way to learn about the enneagram and what number you are (better than taking a quiz).
I am most definitely a 9w1. I started the enneagram podcast series when Ryan released “One” back in the day and had to wait through all of them to get to mine. Here’s the beautiful artwork for “Nine.”
So basically, in learning about this I’ve come to understand I’ve lived much of my life “asleep to myself” because of an underlying belief that I don’t matter due to some things in my childhood that my child-brain couldn’t process in correct perspective. We all have skewed beliefs from our childhood that carry into our adult lives. Mine in particular led to me having a hard time having my own perspective when I was with others, defaulting to the perspectives of everyone else around me. This was because giving voice to my feelings caused disconnection as I was told to stop crying, stop being a baby or being dramatic, or I felt mocked for connecting with my dreamy-feely side. Plus being the youngest and the bottom of pecking order with my siblings…what I wanted was never something I got very often, nor did anyone put an value on it (at least from my child-perspective).
I’ve done a lot of work over this past year to become more emotionally healthy.
The MBTI taught me that as an INFP I have to try new things – so I did.
The Enneagram taught me that as a 9 I have to be present with myself, do things that put me in my body (like yoga or walking or being present during a meal), check in with myself and my feelings and opinions and start to give myself a voice instead of merging (seeing only from the others’ perspective), and how to put the belief that I do matter into action.
Meisner helped me put all of the above into practice. The class taught me that conflict won’t kill me. It taught me resilience. I learned how to face and voice what is true for me and how others are affecting me. I learned how to let myself actually be seen. I learned how to be in the present moment with someone. I learned that people, including men, want to engage with me. And I learned how to see someone else’s perspective without losing my own. I also experienced the eruption of volcano-rage that is the 9’s sleeping anger thanks to Knight being a total dick to me in the exercise. But I’m proud of working truthfully and giving myself a voice in an appropriate setting for it! In so many ways Meisner boosted my confidence.
The hard stuff that happened last winter taught me further the ways I’ve been co-dependent, taught me better boundaries, taught me grace for myself and how Jesus can be so present when you feel the most alone.
I listened to two podcasts that I MUST highlight because they have also been one of the biggest parts of my growth this year.
The Connected Life by Justin and Abi Stumvoll
and
The Liberation Project by Justin Stumvoll and Blair Reynolds.
These podcasts CHANGED MY LIFE. I want everyone to listen and experience the spectacular truths these life-coaches offer. I will probably highlight the episodes on sex and dating in another post. Just do yourself a favor and give them a listen.
Note that it takes a few episodes in for them to cover deeper topics, but I still recommend the beginning because it sets up who these wonderful people are and the basis of their teaching. JUST DO IT!
Something huge I learned from these podcasts is how to begin to process and heal from childhood stuff I mentioned earlier. After an exchange with Falk that left me feeling regret that I’d retreated from him instead of leaning into what could have been a really nice moment, I applied my newfound self-awareness and tuned into my heart. God revealed things in my childhood that had founded this belief that the kind of man I would want to be with wouldn’t be interested in me and I’d been living in that default most of my life. After applying the healing work, I woke up and felt different the next day. I was no longer agreeing with the belief that I’m invisible to the kind of men I want and as a result started seeing attractive men taking note of me left and right. I have not had anyone ask me out just yet, but it opened my eyes to the fact that I am desirable to men! And I’ve gone from subconsciously expecting to be overlooked to owning being seen!
And strangely enough it has taken so much of the pressure off of my interactions with men. I can appreciate an interaction that may or may not include some attraction or romantic undertones without having to project way into the future and overanalyze it. I used to be so afraid and felt like the stakes were so high without realizing it. Now I can just enjoy people. It’s pretty amazing, really.
God has provided me with some new friendships since I moved. I thought I was going to have to work so hard to build community but it’s like He chuckled and has dropped the right people in my lap! Some pretty amazing God-encounters have happened!
I’m so good, you guys! My life looks completely different than it did a year ago and it has been the hardest but most amazing year of my life. I feel good and confident and so ready for what’s next. I’m living in the present and no longer bound by shame cycles or codependency. I’m no longer okay with living small because of fear.
Remember when I referred to myself as Repunzel in the tower? Well, God has called me out of that tower to go engage life. And a man didn’t climb my hair and give me incentive….unless that man is Jesus. Actually that does work for the analogy. Anyways. Getting out of my comfort-zone was the best thing I ever did. I’m engaged in the wondrous happenings on this tiny big blue gorgeous planet, I’m HERE and I’m ALIVE!!!
Confessions of a Horny Christian Single Girl 