Hello my fellow horny Christians! Or lonely single Christians! Or Christian who’s friend just told you that they struggle with masturbating and you want to read up to know how to encourage them. Or curious non-Christians. Or perverts looking to get off and somehow ended up here and are very confused. Whoever you are: Welcome. I’m glad you are here and I send hugs from my new home Ambiguous City.
After months of praying, prepping, finding a roommate, searching, searching, crying because finding an affordable and SAFE place to live seemed impossible, SEARCHING more, and finally finding a place…. I am officially living in the city! My new roommate is a godsend and this location is close to everything but just away from the hubbub for both of us introverts to not be overwhelmed.
Today I finally was able to go to a coffee shop and work on my book, just like I envisioned, and I took a walk around the town center, got a Library card (the Library is beautiful!), and got to hang out with my cousin who lives near me and with whom I’m excited to grow closer. My roommate and I do yoga (which I love by the way), I’ve already lost weight by changing my diet and being more active, and I’ve taken another part time job cleaning houses. I’m still commuting to my church job, but eventually I will phase out of that, too. Not sure what my next career will be yet, but I’m content to have a few gig jobs for a while to keep my schedule freer.
After missing about a month due to moving insanity, I resumed my acting class last week. Ok so I have to admit that two posts ago I wrote a poem about how you can, in seconds, build an entire world of possibilities in your mind just from one brief moment with someone. You long to experience certain moments or conversations with someone, share certain words and have specific feelings in those moments, and in one instant the person before you fills in the blank of those desired moments and you can see it all.
Well, the poem was inspired by this guy in acting class…the first time I saw him work I thought, Holy crap, I’m in love with him! Who is that! And then I had to remind myself that I wasn’t actually in love with him, but seeing a man be vulnerable and open the way class requires is SUUUPER rare in real life, and insanely attractive when it reveals a caring heart.
This guy, hmmm I guess I’ll call him Knight because he reminds me of medieval castles, Scottish warriors, and cozy studies filled with books and smelling of leather. He has gorgeous green eyes. I’m SUCH a sucker for green eyes. He’s certainly got em! He also has dimples. He’s a little skinny, his ears kind of stick out, and he doesn’t shave his beard to the correct line (see below), but when he smiles at you it’s heart-stopping.
(Let me interject a grooming PSA here. Beard lines. So many bad beard lines!
Staaahp! Instead trim to this neckline! To the crease right above your adam’s apple and no higher!
Aside from Dreamer, Knight is the most advanced person in our class, which means he’s so good at reading people, is comfortable with himself and with being honest that he’s confident and doesn’t bullcrap, and he is skilled at putting words to what is happening. Which means when you are paired with him it’s super intimidating because it’s like he can see right through you and isn’t afraid to say exactly what he sees. The fact that I find him attractive most of the time makes it even worse since I’m so shy with guys. Last fall in one of the first few classes I took he intimidated me so I asked him to sit beside me and the girl in the exercise with us was crushed because she thought it was me wanting him close and not her.
“No no! I’m comfortable with you. Him being directly across from me was too much.”
She still didn’t get it. “He scares the crap out of me, you don’t. I’m comfortable with you.”
She still didn’t get it.
“It’s because he’s a man!” I finally said, exasperated.
Then he was really upset.
“I hate that I scare you!”
Feeling so frustrated that they were taking everything the wrong way, I laid my hand on his wrist, “I’m not physically-threatened-scared,” then I said with meaning, “I care what you think.”
The light went on and he finally got it, then he kindly acknowledged, “That was very brave of you to say.”
I was so upset and embarrassed, like I had to out my own feelings and insecurities because I was hurting both of them in their confusion. Before then I would never have expressed that willingly. But I was supposed to operate in what was true and not bullcrap, and right then the truest thing was that I’d rather sacrifice my pride and comfort than allow them to be hurt by me. But it felt a little like taking a bullet for them at the time. And then after that Knight was a little flirty but it made me angry like he was taking advantage of my vulnerability just for his ego. I saw a childishness in him, and then I found out he probably doesn’t have the same values. So for a while I haven’t cared. Still thought he was super attractive from time to time, but not real life relationship material. But then last week in class he was just…once again overwhelmingly breath-taking. I wasn’t even doing the exercise! Just watching him work and just be himself, he was…beautiful. Inside and out. Magnetic and personally kind to people. I think everyone in the room was a little taken with him! So dreamy.
I haven’t been paired with him in a long time, and now I’m far more willing to say what I’m feeling, so I’ll let you know how that goes. Especially if I’m overtaken with heart palpitations which is highly likely.
So that’s one guy I get to interact with regularly now. I still don’t think he’s what I’m looking for in real life but interacting with him really is good practice for me. Hopefully I can learn not to be so shy and intimidated by guys I admire and I won’t resort to weather-talk.
Another worth mentioning I’ll call Brynjolf after a character from Skyrim who appears shady but has a good heart and has your back. I hope this ends up being the case with the Brynjolf from my acting class. The jury is very much still out in regards to this guy and here’s why.
He started the class a few months after I did. Everyone puts up walls that have to be torn down in the course of doing the work. It’s natural and normal to be insecure and to have some defense mechanisms. But eventually there comes a point where you stop the bull and lean into the honesty and the vulnerability. You find that, while uncomfortable, it brings freedom and power to know that you can survive the awkward or hurtful and putting your true self out there, warts and all, is not the end of the world. And what’s more, you gain being truly seen by someone and are often able to receive the gift of them giving a crap.
Brynjolf is a self-protector more than most. He started out by trying to be untouchable (he still does this sometimes) and would basically sit in a challenging posture and basically be stoic the entire time. He was super defensive and not open. One time I got frustrated and told him to stop with the wall. He loosened up and we went back and forth for a bit and then he got scared of the realness between us and put the wall back up. It was so sad and frustrating to see. Instead of getting pissed I was moved to compassion for him in that moment and teared up.
“I’m sorry for whatever happened to you that made you feel like this is necessary.” Then he teared up. Our instructor pointed out that it is better to let people in than to keep the walls up. Brynjolf explained that he’s not used to people being genuine. After that he stopped the statue thing more quickly each time he did the exercise.
But at this point he shifted to a new tactic. If he couldn’t get away with the stoic statue thing then he’d keep control by sexily smoldering his way to the “more powerful position.” And this is where I got the impression that this guy is used to dumb women fawning over him and him getting his way per his good looks. He’s not used to genuine people who have standards. He would do this thing with his eyes where it was like he was trying to look cute and he would start to do that with everyone when he felt out of control in the exercise. Well, it didn’t work on me and a couple other people in the class and he got called out for it plenty of times.
Meanwhile he’s realizing that sexy smolder-guy is getting NOWHERE with me and changes his tactic YET AGAIN so that he acts like he’s genuine and I relax a little and then he starts being flirty. UGH!!!! It’s so manipulative!
Now we are at defense tactic number 3 or 4! For the love, dude! Just be real already! By now he’s been taking the class for months and still treats it like a power-struggle game. He’s preventing himself from learning and growing as an actor and he’s muddying the work with ego.
When not doing the exercise he was awkward and a bit standoffish. Did not strike me as a super outgoing person. During the move I missed quite a few weeks. But one of the weeks I was able to go my new roommate was able to go with me. He and I were paired and he seemed surprisingly open and relaxed. She said that he was far more comfortable with me than anyone else in the class. And before class he and I chatted and he seemed genuinely happy to see me. He complimented my shirt. I thought Hmmm, you’re trying to butter me up so you can manipulate me if we are paired. I know that sounds very paranoid but you should see this guy in action. I wouldn’t put it past him.
Missed about 3 weeks of class while moving and then went back two weeks ago. He sat next to me and complimented my shoes. Mmmmhmmm, I thought, There he goes again. Then he does the exercise with Knight and is just the biggest jerk! And he got away with it which was infuriating to me because Knight can usually catch the bull crap and call it out. Brynjolf comes and sits back down next to me and I’m annoyed with him for being a jerk, my opinion of him has lowered. I’m sitting back in my chair with my legs crossed and my arms crossed, and he is sitting forward with his elbows on his knees. Then, for who knows what reason, he turns his head and blatantly scans UP ME and then gives me a freaking UPNOD!!! With eyebrows!
I did this:
So then last week (the week I fell in fake love with Knight again) I didn’t sit near Brynjolf, and we weren’t paired together for the exercise at all. But theres this younger girl who has a whopping and obvious crush on him who was flirting with him during the exercise. You are supposed to have all your attention on the people you are working with. The rest of us watch in the audience. Well, as she’s awkwardly flirting with him, his eyes keep freaking darting to me. In the audience. Like, he’s conscious of what I’m thinking of the exchange.
I went outside right after class to make a phone call. As I’m trying to contact the person he comes out, closely followed by Lil’ Crushy McGee, closely followed by the rest of our class. As soon as he steps out the door he starts rambling about this cat that is near me…and I mean rambling. Right then my friend calls and I answer, walking back into the house through the people. As soon as I say hello Brynjolf cuts off his rambling and I realize he was talking specifically to me. Not to ‘Lil Crushy or the rest of the people there.
I make my phone call and go back outside. Only two people are still there: Brynjolf, walking in circles and half paying attention to ‘Lil Crushy who is desperately trying to have a conversation with him. I walk past them and say, “Have a good week, guys!”
“Uh, nice talking to you!” Brynjolf sarcasts (not a word but should be) dramatically, portraying great offense. Ok, so he’s waiting for me, then?
“Hello, how are you, how was your week?” I say placatingly, like jeez.
“No no! You have somewhere to be.”
“I’m not in a rush, Brynjolf. I can talk for a minute,” I say calmly and kindly. His entire demeanor changes. Suddenly this guy is way more animated and outgoing than I’ve ever seen him. I ask him what he has going on. (At some point in this Lil’ Crushy left) He tells me he has auditions and just got booked for this role as a viking chieftain.
“You know, so it’s all like, ‘I fight with the power of Odin!'” in this crazy macho voice complete with muscle-flexing like this
I don’t know what to do right now!
Then he proceeds to ask me questions about myself and is very attentive and enthusiastic and we have a pretty good conversation for like 10 minutes. Then we part and I’m just shook. He obviously has some interest considering he stayed behind to talk to me and his body language was eager. Plus the weird looking at me during the exercise and the random awkward flirting.
So yesterday I had class and again we weren’t paired, but the only open seat was next to him again because I was late. At one point he let out this giant sigh through his nose and I turned to look at him and he gave me a nice smile. Not weird. Just nice and genuine.
Then when we were taking a break he complimented Knight’s pants and then said, “I couldn’t wear those probably because my thighs have more… GIRTH.” and gestures toward his leg but also way too close to his crotch to be 1) using that word and 2) emphasizing it with hand gestures. I had to turn my face away to hide my shock/laughter. So awkward, dude! STAHP!
After class I asked people if they wanted to go grab a bite and he was all for it. He then proceeded to once again be obnoxiously outgoing. Tons of talking. No Listening. Like a teenage boy showing off. And based on his eye contact it seemed to be for my sake. I can feel the Jim Halpert expressions constantly on my face. I don’t know what to do with this. I’m NOT used to this sort of attention and definitely not from someone as physically attractive as this guy. But I’m also embarrassed for him because he’s being so weird!
And I don’t trust him. For all I know this is just another game to him. He likes the challenge because I don’t fall for his usual crap and it’s all ego driven.
Maybe he just wants to get in my pants.
Maybe he is actually attracted to me and really does appreciate who I am as a person.
I don’t know. I also don’t know what to do but wait it out and see, I guess. Not judging him prematurely but also not letting my loins or desire to desired do the driving. Because he is pretty so it would be tempting. So I’m praying that I see him with God’s eyes and view him as a person first, regardless of how he is viewing me.
So, like I said, jury is still out. He’s ridiculous, awkward, and has some issues for sure. I have no idea what he believes and get the sense that he has some stuff in his past he’s trying to hide, make up-for, or outrun.
But, boy is it a nice ego-boost! Puts a little pep in my step and hope in my heart that this move really is bringing opportunities and opening doors for life to happen.
Thanks for reading my long post!