A description of my sexuality:

Gettin all dressed up with no place to go…a great majority of the time.

Sexual frustration is a BIG DEAL to some of us christian singles who want to save sex for marriage and honor God with our whole-selves, including our sexuality. So I’m going to talk about it. And some other stuff too.

Someone has got to stand in front of a bunch of Christians and teach them how to sing about Jesus, and that just so happens to be me: a 29 year old single woman who loves Jesus and has given Him her life, and who really wants to fall in love, get married, and go nuts on the man God gave her.


34 thoughts on “About

  1. Hi,

    I want to truly THANK YOU for being so transparent and brutally honest with your feelings. Thank you for your courage to share your deepest struggles. I must say that I stumbled upon your posts in a desperate search for a “way out” when I was caught in my own struggles. God sure works in cool ways, and I feel so blessed to experience the peace and comfort from reading your raw honest posts. I know that I’m not alone in my struggles and have talked to friends and read other pieces of writing before, but I have never ever heard such an unfiltered and honest version before. It almost felt like I was reading a journal of my thoughts that I’ve always been… afraid to verbalize.

    I’m in a similar life stage, except as a guy, and I’ve been wrestling with all that as well… lust, masturbation, hormonal rages, tempted by stupid excessive images and scenes in movies and on TV nowadays… and then under all that mess I struggle like crazy in trying to lay down those carnal desires because God’s design of marriage is much more beautiful and He intends the very best for us. And having patience and trust in His timing, His provision, His design and His orchestration of relationships… it’s just so difficult. Especially when my brain keeps on telling me “hey, you’re at an age now where you could totally get married” and so many people around me are starting to get engaged and married. When I’m a 5th wheel or 7th wheel in groups, I need to tell myself “TRUST TRUST TRUST” hahahha.

    When you wrote about jealousy, I was so humbled. My close friend and housemate, BONKERS (since you gave your friends nicknames, I shall too haha), is slightly younger than me, but things just seem to always go so easy for him. Loves God and all that… but it just feels like relationships always just easily happened and he never really had to struggle with the singleness/trust stuff. But that seed of evil jealousy can really twist our journey, so I’m glad you brought that up. What I’ve been thinking about recently is that we’re just called to be faithful with what He’s given us. We’re only going to be single once! And then married for the rest of your life. So I’m thankful for this period (involuntary haha), and I agree that we learn soo so much from being single, and we really get to know ourselves more and grow in a healthy way. And all these lessons, these struggles, these times we wrestle with God in our singleness- by really giving it up to Him… I’d like to believe that these are all great times of trial and character-strengthening that will really bless your future marriage with your spouse.

    And when you shared about how you were a worship pastor, I was floored too, so thank you for sharing that as well. I do a couple things at church as well, and sometimes I just feel dirty and hypocritical, for wanting to lead others to pursue Jesus but knowing that my heart and mind fails too often in that aspect. And what you say about God’s grace is so true too… sometimes so hard to fully receive when we feel stuck… but it is RIDICULOUS how He doesn’t want to condemn us, but to save us. And we’re just helpless in that. Such relentless love.

    I feel so blown away to hear someone else’s raw thoughts- it’s like you showed all the cards in your hand, and I’ve been reminded that I can show mine too and not be afraid of others seeing. It’s that awesome weird feeling of peace when you realize that things are okay knowing that you desire to fully follow Jesus but can be completely unashamed of the bumps along the way. And yeah… after getting all the thoughts out I realize how silly some of this all is, after being able to see and think about things when I’m not in a “hormonal rush” stage haha.

    Anyways, sorry for a long unorganized ramble… I was definitely hesitant to click on your blog when I saw your url… especially wondering if I was getting myself into trouble, being a guy. Hahahha. I’m definitely NEVER talked to a girl about this stuff. It’s just always been the kind of thing you only share with your bros. So when I started reading I was just pretty shocked. I mean, I knew that it wasn’t only a “guy” struggle and all that, but I never knew to what extent… But I guess these carnal desires and struggles are all pretty much the same!

    So very simply, thank you for the time and courage you put in to share your honest feelings. You have a beautiful heart, and are definitely being faithful with your struggles by sharing them, and thus blessing so many of us because it truly encourages us. It could be a good sign when your posts stop coming one day- or at least you will have to use a different url!

    And thanks for your heads up: “Guys, when you find a woman who isn’t tainted by bitterness it means she’s a fighter. It means she trusts in the Lord. A soft heart in a full-grown woman is a valuable prize because she’s done serious battle to protect it. Don’t you want a woman like that to fight beside you?” – Yep, that sounds pretty awesome!

    Take care and God bless!

    • Andy, do not apologize for your long ramble because I love it! Thank you so much for your feedback and your encouraging words. I read and re-read them 🙂

      You and I must fight the enemy when he tries to tell us that our particular sin makes us unworthy to serve the Lord and lead others. He tries to shame us and make us forget that Jesus took our shame upon the cross. He tries to make us believe that because we don’t have our act together we shouldn’t be up on stage (or serving in other ways) because who are we to stand before others? But the truth is that the only reason we can stand before others is because of Jesus and His grace alone…like you said, because of that RIDICULOUS love! And in our humility we can truly see that in our weakness He is strong. You are not a hypocrite! You are a forgiven son of God. No shame can hold you back from doing good!

      Thank you for sharing your heart with me and letting me know that I’m not alone. Your words have made me feel validated and greatly encouraged!

  2. Very brave and commendable blog. I believe that the modern church tries to spare the feelings of people who are trapped in singleness that trying to suggest that it is a good place to be and part of God’s plan. While I believe that the Lord does have all things under control, he was very specific that he saw it good that man and woman should unite in marriage.

    I’m in much the same situation as you. Single and not wanting to be. I want to be married, I want to have children, and, yes, I want to have sex. I won’t because I can resist that, but I haven’t found a wife and the sexual urges are ever present. As they should be. Because I was created as a sexual being and those urges were put there by God who wants me to be able to act on them.

    One day soon, I hope.

    You are not alone and you are handling the pressure (to both have sex from your own body and to be asexual from the church body) beautifully.

  3. Classic Ace, I’m glad you are fighting the urge to masterbate, I’m fighting it too (with the same difficulty). Every day we resist is the reward to rise higher amongst the firey intelligence of God. This is what Haraclitus, a Greek philosopher in 6 Century B.C. realised. J. V. Luce in ‘An Introduction to Greek philosophy’ says of his belief: ” Soul would …have a natural tendency to follow the ‘upward path’ to the Fiery Intelligence which is ‘only- wise’, and it would be the duty of an intelligent person to enhance this tendency by appropriate conduct.” ” The upward path called for self-discipline and the avoidance of excessive pleasure.” This was someone who lived five centuries before Christ, ( in Ephesus, where Mary, the Mother of God, would live 5 centuries later, after Jesus was crucified). The ‘duty’ is natural, to make sacrifice in order to commune with God, (because God created us for Himself). By our obedience (like Adam and Eve before the Fall), God is with us, and we are happy (though not completely). But St Thomas Aquinas said, our sins can postpone God’s plan for us. So each day lived well is a day to experience God’s love. Of course God always loves us, but by serious sin we reject God, we cause a serious rift to occur, like in a relationship.
    I’m a Catholic and I recommend receiving all the sacraments that Christ has given us, to strengthen us with grace. Unfortunately Protestants do not have all the sacraments. However I love your style Ace, your heart to page dialogue. It is very Godly, pouring out your troubles to God. I hope this is how you pray to him, He loves a sincere heart, a contrite heart, a heart that is struggling. I wish I did this more, instead of forgetting God and trying to escape. You have given me more determination (for tonight at least).
    I’m an introvert too. I know God wants me to use my gifts, create, write, spread the good news, fight Modernism. The more I do this and the less I sin, the sooner I will please and inspire my soul-mate. I’m single too, but 46 D’oh! God bless you. Visit my blog, and I’ll bookmark you, sister in Christ.

  4. From one unintentional loner, horny, sometimes jealous, all my friends are married, 25 year old,Christian single to another…THANK YOU. Keep blogging. Please. I’m reading this on another Friday night alone with my cats. The pity party had already started. This was an encouragement to me. If nothing else I can enjoy my coffee and Ghirardelli dark chocolate a little more tonight 😉

  5. hey, are you going to update this blog? It’s such a relief knowing I’m not the only one out there going through this same thing 🙂

  6. Thank you so much latley ive been feeling so alone and struggling with the whole masturbation thing. I had overcome it for years until I gota boyfriend which seems to really screw with your hormones. Id just find myself in this constant cycle all the while feelimg terrible and hating myself for it. Im so happy im not alone. I feel like I have no one I can talk to. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  7. God bless you for sharing your life story with us. You don’t know how you are affecting people positively around the world ( Im writing from Ghana in West Africa) 🙂

  8. It is sad that something that can be so beautiful can become so dirty and shameful, But it lies in how we conduct our self. To watch porn and look for porn can really feel terrible and then experience the feelings of arousal at the same time that feels good. It becomes a great conflict. And it is how we train our self to act, It is possible to retrain and make other “rituals” (more healthy)

    To strive for what feels good in both body, mind and soul. We often forget the Mind and Soul in our pursue for/of pleasure. But we don’t really forget, we get reminded of how bad it feels inside to seek only pleasure without depth, Without love and without respect.

    It is a strong drive. And we might need to face the shame many many times, And we might keep reminding our self by going back and doing same old mistakes. But i don´t think we need more
    wake up calls, or more shame. We need more self respect, more wisdom. More discipline.

    Give it to God, And even when you get too aroused to even listen, Know that you have a choice, And you can stop. You can make love with yourself. You don’t need to watch porn. But if you do and you feel ashamed and bad. Don´t let it get you in a tight grip. Forgive yourself, Turn to God. Ask God what you can or should do. When the urge is strong, Ask, “What would a person that loves them self do”?(And do that) And if you succumb, Find out why you couldn’t loved yourself more holy, We all get tension buildup inside of us, It is not wrong to masturbate, But it also right to Train/exercise and to meditate and to seek inside how this tension can be released without getting off sexually.

    It is about what you want to be, how you want to be, What you want to sow and reap.
    No one said it is easy to be a farmer of good actions, righteous. Just like it is not always easy to sow good plants, and there is a lot of work in the garden. Just don´t Give up and don´t let the same pull you down, Seek God. Seek love, And Find Balance. We are all sexual beings and we decide what we want to be and use our energy for, How pure we want to feel and be.

    Forgive yourself, And move on, Do better next time, And keep working.
    Breathe deep and slow. We all know it is not easy. There is so much to be creative with and so much love to share.

    Sometimes you got to stop touching and start doing something else.

  9. Oh man, I love your blog……… I read the most recent post and can’t help, but feel like you’re my twin sister. Anyways, I was going through some weird thoughts….like lustful thoughts…out of the blue. I prayed to get rid of it. Then I searched up Christian and horny. Somehow I came across your page. Just like that I started laughing and those urges disappeared. Thank you , thank you. 🙂

  10. I just randomly happened upon this blog today. I was really battling temptation, it was frustrating because I didn’t look at anything, but my mind decided to betray me (again) and I was then at war. I out of desperation Google what should a Christian do when horny, and God led me here. Thank you, for your honesty with your struggles. I understand, and sympathize. I’m a 26 year old college grad, who in a few weeks will become the interim pastor of a small church. I’m terrified, both because of the job, but also because of my struggles. I know Satan will hit me harder than he has ever hit me before. I’m barely making it now sometimes. Things I’ve read here have been a big help. God bless you. Prayers are appreciated.
    I also understand the frustration of singlehood. It ducks sometimes. All I hear from older Christians is: hey, just be content in Christ and he will bring her to you when your ready… like I haven’t been fighting for that contentment for years? Being a single introverted (I’m also INFP) Christian man in the UP of Michigan in a church with three people under the age of 30 (two of them being married to each other) is the absolute worst.
    However, through all of this, God still continues to chip away at my self-worship and makes Christ more beautiful, and reminds me, that even when I sin, I am loved, forgiven, and never regected. Thank you again, keep up the good work!

    • Hi Clayton! I hope you know you’re name is showing up on here and that that is ok. I’m glad to be encouraging and I’ll pray for you in your situation for sure! Keep pressing on and I will too!

  11. I arrived here after searching “single and discouraged”. I’ll be 38 this year and I am more discouraged than ever about finding a wife. While I don’t believe a wife is everything, it is a desire I’ve had for awhile. Whether God will fulfill it, I don’t know. Am I of little faith? At times, yes.

    I have several health issues, including being legally blind. I feel all of that is working against me in meeting a prospective mate. Like a broken record, the thoughts of “why would any woman want me?” and “she can do better” “I would only burden her” play over and over and over…. So when I do meet someone I like, I tend to eventually push her away.

    I struggle with porn and masturbation. In some ways I feel if I had a mate who could fulfill me sexually, that would take a huge burden off. But is that fair? Would I then be burdening her? I don’t know. God made me this way. He designed males to want and need sex, but I can’t help feeling I am selfish for wanting a mate to relieve my desires. Before anyone gets it wrong, I am not looking for a mate SOLELY for sex. I just want a best friend I can live life with. Because of my eyesight and also being introverted, I am quite isolated. I know I need to get out, but rarely do. Another struggle is I feel people don’t actually want to have a conversation with me, and only listen to be polite. Is my perception reality? Perhaps not, but the mind does some dirty things to a person.

    • Mark, I’m sorry for your struggle and your loneliness. The one thing that I want to address in what you commented is the part where you talk about the negative thoughts causing you to push away someone you might like. I know, because in this I also struggle, that our insecurities can often paralyze us from even trying to get close to someone. But honestly those thoughts are from the enemy and not from God. That is not how God sees you. He doesn’t view you as a burden, no matter what setbacks you face, and He knows exactly what you need and what your partner would need as well. As for the question, “Why would any woman want me?” I suggest answering it. What do you have to offer someone? Not what you think you lack but what you can bring. Push yourself to answer. If you still can think of nothing then ask someone close to you. If there are things that you can change that you need to change, then do it. Take some risks despite how scary it is. If they don’t pay off don’t let that be an excuse to give up. More than anything rebuke satan and his lies that play over and over. Let God make you a new tape. He created you for more than that. And if that’s the case then He is also capable of providing you with a woman who can realize it and appreciate it.

  12. Hey! Thank you for writing this blog. I cannot begin to say how great it is to see someone else on the road. To read you put words to the emotions and feelings and struggles – it resonates with my soul! Thank you and please keep writing! Stay strong in the faith. You seem pretty awesome, keep at it!

  13. Man…your amazing! Thanks for being real because the struggle is SO real! Specially for someone like me who went from worldly sex, to salvation, to Christian courting, to marriage, then divorce due to my husbands unrepentant and ongoing cheating, and finally…now…*sigh…being single again. Although I love being single, I’ve had a little too much fun giving into sexual temptation…although I recognize it’s from a place of pain. But now the Lord challenged me to one year of singlehood for 2017 so much prayer will be needed! Thanks again!

  14. The shame you all feel is self made. I really don’t mean to be that guy, because this seems like a very well-written blog with a good community of people having the same sorts of struggles. But reading this is making me depressed. I can relate to basically every issue you write about except the part about masturbation. I mean what’s the big deal, honestly? If we’re all going to be judged on our thoughts, we’re all going to hell. You’re not hurting anyone by releasing some of the pent up frustration/anger/sadness/etc. through orgasm. I’ve known a number of people throughout my life in varying degrees of religiosity. I dated one at the extreme end. Virgin. No experience doing anything sexually. One hundred percent committed to no sex before marriage. Except what I’ve found (and yes, this is obviously anecdotal) is that “waiting for marriage” usually means “waiting for my first love.” We fell hard for each other, and within the first week “waiting until marriage” was out the window. We’re human. We have urges and needs, We likely only get one life. Don’t waste it. You don’t win anything by not pleasuring yourself. Obviously this isn’t to say everyone should just be impulsive and do whatever they want, but if your religion happens to be the one true one, I think he/she/it will understand when you get to Heaven that life is long and frequently difficult. But that’s just me. I hope I didn’t come across too arrogant or condescending. I really just want you all to feel better and happier.

    • Robby, thank you for being so respectful when sharing a differing view. You really are the first person to comment who has disagreed in an intelligent and understanding way, so thank you! The journey I’ve been on these past…gosh…7? years has been pretty amazing and I’m so thankful for where I’m at. I had so much turmoil and lust and masturbation was such a huge issue for me. Please understand that for many people it is an addiction, and anytime someone has an addiction to anything, they are unhealthy. Porn is flat-out wrong and bad for the viewer and society (fightthenewdrug.com). I believe that God wants us to be free from habits and addictions. He also made us to have relationship with Him, so when we self-medicate instead of turning to him we go against what we are. We do this because we are flawed, but when we turn to God instead, I know first-hand that I become more of my best-self, I feel more like myself than I do when I turn to something else for comfort. I’m also at a place where I don’t think masturbation itself is a sin. I now think some release every-so often is fine as long as I’m not turning to it instead of God when I’m down, or that it makes me pull away from Him. I also know plenty of people who waited until marriage even though it was difficult. I also don’t think it’s the end of the world if you mess up, but from what I’ve heard it is worth it if you wait. Not because the sex will be magical or anything, but because it nurtures commitment in a whole new way. All of these issues also come down to self-control, which is hard to come by but something that I want. Not just in my sexuality but in every area. Also, just because I’m not having sex doesn’t mean I’m wasting my life. There are other kinds of experiences that have made my life very full, and if I am able to fall in love, get married, and have sex, then great. If not, I’m going to take the opportunities I’m given and experience what I can!

  15. Wow. I was just on googling searching for help and i came across your blog. Exactly what I needed to read.
    Let’s be friends please.

  16. I really enjoy reading your blog – it resonates, and at the same time it’s fascinating to see how God offers you hope through the darkness (which doubtless many of us struggle with). Even down to the ‘I’ve written about this many times and after a while it’s a bit boring – but even having nothing to write about can be a bit painful’: that hit home.

    Keep it up 🙂

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