Intensely Passionate 30 Minute Crushes
Yesterday I was in love for about an hour. Maybe 30 minutes or somewhere in between.
On my way home from our church’s Easter service I was convinced that I was in love with one of the guys in my band. Like, why aren’t we together? We should just be together. We’ve probably been in love these 4.5 years of our friendship and we just don’t realize it. So maybe I should just come out with it and he’ll be my boyfriend and we’ll just be together!
Sometimes, as a woman…well…maybe just as a human in general, for no reason you get swept up in these emotions that have nothing to do with logic whatsoever.
See, he is a friend that people have been asking me why I’m not dating for the four and a half years we’ve been friends. He’s sweet and SO MUCH FUN. Well, the most simple answer: I’m not making the first move and he refuses to do so.
So when my 30 minute passionate love for him died down, logic made it’s way back in.
I’d want to change him, he’s too passive, I’d hurt his feelings with my honest nature, he’s not as passionate about God and ministry…etc.
So all in all, even if he DID ask me out, I don’t know that we would have a future. But if he got up the nerve to ask me then I would definitely consider it because it would show growth and I’d want to give us a chance to see if the other things are true. I’d just be scared of the consequences since he’s my friend and we are in the band together.
But as a single, for that brief time I wanted so badly for me to really be in love with him. Because he’s so FUN! And I was mangry.
Let’s be real. Mang-er was the reason for all of it.
Turning Down the First Date You’ve Been Offered in 5 Years
I got asked out for the first time in a long time and it was not by someone that I wanted to ask me out. I turned him down as gently as I could (“I don’t really see us”) and he was polite about it. This guy is the king of awkward. A very desperate, needy, insecure type of guy with just a hint of creepy. I’ve given him no reason to think I was remotely interested and yet he still took the chance. So for that I at least give him props for putting himself out there and asking like a man…a gentleman at that.
So why can’t someone like my bandmate or the friend that I was considering last fall, who actually would have a chance, man up and ask a girl out? With a direct, clear question? Why is that too intimidating? My respect for awkward guy went up just because he was brave enough to take a chance. Bandmate’s unwillingness to do so is exactly what makes me hesitate the most about him.
All in all, I still don’t think any real prospects are in my life at the moment. But I’m changing, or trying to. Christ is showing me areas that need more work so that I can thrive as His temple, as His child, and as a single adult. He is showing me how to be a good gift for my future husband, because He only gives good gifts to His children. A LOT of this has to do with my physical health, but more so my spiritual walk with Jesus.
As I said before, there have been stumbles and failures, but more victories and avoiding temptation altogether. This morning I had intense physical desire but prayed, “Holy Spirit, help me! I need you!” and the longing left me. I’m experiencing victory by the power of the Holy Spirit in the moment of crisis! Not only is there great joy in overcoming, but also in knowing that God truly is bigger than our carnal nature! And He’s faithful if you turn to Him!
One last thing.
Encouragement vs. “Helpful” Criticism
I’m trying to make being physically fit a bigger priority and part of my lifestyle. I don’t always have good eating habits and I gain weight far too easily (lame!), but I also loose it fairly easily if I actually do the work and stay away from the fries (O, fries of the french! Why doest thou tempt me with thine deliciousness!?). In the past I’ve gotten down to the size and shape I want to be and feeling so good about it! I love it! But I also love tasty things, and as anyone who has read my blog knows, self-discipline is not my strongest suit! So since Christmas I’ve been carrying around that extra weight, trying to scrape up the motivation to deny my tongue the joys of french fries and ice-cream, and hadn’t been doing so great. This, of course, poured into the rest of my life in not so great ways, I guess.
One day I called Dreamer (the one who is engaged, whose wedding I’m in), not knowing I was about to be blindsided by extremely hurtful words that left me in tears and feeling like I’d been casually stabbed in the chest with a bowie-knife a few-dozen times.
She said she was worried about me, but when you are worried about your friend you should pray about what to say to them and how to say it. She did not. It kind of came out in a big rush of her raw emotions that left a wake of desolation across my unsuspecting being. I’d rather her of just said in summary, “I take issue with…this.”
Here’s what she could have said:
1. Because of some of the things I’ve noticed when hanging out with you and Bushbaby, I think you should pray about whether you’re relationship is too co-dependent. Just examine it because you might overlook opportunities for new adventures or friends because hanging out with her is comfortable. She seems to rely on you a lot and so it would be smart to just check on your boundaries.
2. Consider how you present yourself to people who don’t know you. I know you and love you, but you might not represent your best qualities to new people who meet you. I’ve noticed that you open up more when you are taking pride in your health, so make it a priority again! Your confidence gets an extra boost and you reach your potential. I want to see that again and I know you do too. Also consider that hanging out only with your younger friends (mainly Bushbaby) might reflect immaturity on you so don’t default to them. Don’t be afraid to stand on your own.
3. I’m telling you this because I love you and sometimes worry about you being in a rut and I never want to see that. Do you get where I’m coming from and is anything I say valid?
Here’s what came out:
1. You and Bushbaby have this awful co-dependent thing and I can’t be around it so I’m not going to stay at your house anymore. You act really immature around her and you need to hang out with people your own age to practice being social.
(Thanks for dealing out the punishment of never staying at my house again before giving me the chance to explain or fix it or work on it. So gracious of you)
2. “Your confidence seems way down.” “You need to consider what kind of man you want to attract because, well…do you want to marry, like…a gamer?” Those and her other comments summed to up say that I’m a loser with no confidence because I play videogames all the time, hang out with people waaay younger than me, and I like anime (all of which are vast exaggerations: I JUST got an xbox so I’ve been talking about it it because it’s new, but have not been playing it to the detriment of my social life. I do have 3 friends who are younger that I spend a good deal of time with but I also regularly hang out with people older than me and my own age. And I like Miyazaki films and Avatar the Last Airbender…WHICH SHE DOES TOO! So thank you for condensing my entire life into an exaggerated image of three tiny parts of it!)
Then she said, “I try to think of setting you up with my guy friends and I just don’t think…I just don’t see you being…” (Basically I’m not good enough for any of her friends. I’m not even set-uppable.)
3. “I’m just worried about you! You just seem really insecure and I see peoples potential. I just want to make sure you don’t get stuck. But thanks for being so easy to talk to” (while I’m sobbing on the phone BTW) “and just take everything I said with a grain of salt.”
She did call and apologize the next day but for the “timing” of the conversation. She wasn’t sorry for what she said or how she said it. Only for when she said it, I guess. Just a clue to anyone out there who is thinking of giving their friend some “helpful” criticism. If you are upset/angry/annoyed with them for something, make sure you plan out what you’re going to say and don’t let those emotions drive you to say something harsh and cruel. Even if you think something you don’t need to share it all. Only what is helpful and encouraging.
Also, if you think your friend has low self-esteem, DON’T CRITICIZE THEM FOR IT! I didn’t feel particularly self-conscious until she told me I was an insecure loser. NOW my confidence is low!
It’s hard enough to fight the lies of condemnation that Satan throws at you. Those whispers that something is wrong with you and that’s why you’re single. And then someone who was JUST in the same boat a year ago goes off on a wild spree and blatantly says those things to you without remorse…someone who you thought was safe. While I’m thankful that she isn’t afraid to confront me on things, I wish she’d shown more tact and grace, encouraging instead of criticizing, belittling, and judging me.
I’m not going husband-hunting. I believe that God can bring Him through the very doors of my church if He wants to, or that He will make it clear when I need to seek something outside my social circle. That’s not good enough for Dreamer. She thinks I need to join a new small group at a different church or get out more…but she didn’t meet her fiance doing that! She met him at a wedding and her friends introduced her. And guess what. I go to weddings. But I guess she won’t be introducing me to her friends because she doesn’t think I’m good enough.
The first list of things she should/could have said are the things that I’ve been trying to focus on because some of it I do need to consider, but it has been tough to drown out the accusing voice. And tough to forgive because I’m still hurt and angry that she said what she did, and was so condescending instead of loving about it all. I hate that during a time when I want to be there for her and celebrating with her this has come up between us…a big fat wall I’ve put up to try to recover. I’m still talking to her, I’ve seen her twice, but I really DON’T want to tell her anything about my life because I don’t feel like I can trust her. It’s hard to know how to go forward with my friendship with her.
I know we’ll work through it. I love her too much to give up our friendship because she was a huge ass to me that time. I want to forgive. Maybe I need to let it go, get over it and move forward. Maybe I need to work through it with her. I don’t know.
Confession: I know that some of what she said is true. I don’t like admitting that. Confessing it. I recognize my immaturity in even writing about it, too, with all my sarcasm and bitterness. But it is part of being a horny Christian single girl…the things people say and the effect words can have. How you handle it or don’t. How even if you’re someone that doesn’t have many feelings rise to the surface like me, certain words can bring as acute a pain as salt in a wound. Please pray for me on this. I’m trying to sort truth from lies and focus on what God wants to teach me, but Satan’s voice keeps trying to pipe in and bring condemnation and discouragement about my self-worth.