This post is titled after the song which currently has me under its spell. Check it out here.
I was enjoying it for it’s own merit, but after yesterday I’m afraid it will be associated with a certain person and certain feelings that overtook me yesterday.
For a while now I’ve had a very minor crush on a guy in the band (I’ve never mentioned him before). Not even a crush, really, because I would just dismiss my attraction to him as the result of loneliness or just the lack of eligible men in my life in general. As well as the fact that I’ve been determined not to crush on someone unless I have reason to believe they are actually pursuing me. I spent my young life falling for guys, seeking out fellas to crush on, until the big, heart-rending, unrequited last one toward the end of college. After that I was done. I’d had a number of big, pointless crushes that left me longing and feeling unseen, not to mention wasting my time, thoughts, energy, and affections on someone that had done nothing to deserve any of that from me. After that last heartache, I realized that I was done with doing that. I could be interested in someone, but I wasn’t going to silently pine, throwing my heart at someone who didn’t think of me the same. If he pursued, then I’d consider letting my emotions get more involved. So, I’ve had a few almosts since then, but I was very much in control of my emotions and never in any real danger of getting hurt.
Yesterday I was blindsided by my own emotions. I’ve explained before that I have emotions and am actually slightly more of a feeler than a thinker, but most of the time I’m not even in touch with those emotions and it’s rare that they surface enough for me to feel them strongly. What’s more, they were so strong no amount of logic could budge them, which is abnormal for me as well. Basically logic tried to enter the scene and got its ass handed to it by the hulk smash my emotions dealt. It freaked me out!
See, this guy is younger than me. Like…7 years younger than me. He’s in college. I know that compared to other couples it’s not that big of an age gap, but where we are in life makes it seem pretty big, as well as the fact that I’m older than all three of his older brothers. So it weirds me out a bit. Not only that but I can be a pretty strong woman and I want to be with someone who balances that. My hesitation is that because I’m older and more experienced, established, and know who I am while he’s in such a transitional phase of his life, that I’d be…I don’t know…taking advantage or something? It’s just given me many pauses.
And yet it’s been strange over the past months. Like, we both gravitate toward each other but then we both dismiss it because I’m going, “I’m too old. He wouldn’t REALLY be interested in me,” while, perhaps at the same time he’s thinking the same thing. It isn’t just me either. I catch his glance. He takes care of me in little, adorable ways.
I’m not saying I think he’s desperately in love with me or anything. I don’t know the level of his feelings. But I can tell I’m at least on his radar in a way the other single women at church aren’t.
So it’s been fairly easy to dismiss my feelings, yet over time I’ve found myself having to do it more and more often. More and more frequently I catch myself thinking about him, or wanting to be close to him.
As you know (if you don’t know then you should read this blog from the beginning ;P), I’m no stranger to mere sexual attraction. Before I could also write this off as that, like I said. I mean, he’s simultaneously adorable and yet still manly. I won’t lie. He’s hot. But I’ve been merely attracted to guys before and was perfectly able to keep my emotions under control.
Last week I dosed off on my couch for a few seconds. In those seconds I dreamt a very simple dream. I was standing, facing a door and it opened and he walked in through it. He looked at me and smiled the way he always does, and in my heart joy and light blossomed at the sight of him, a smile growing on my face to mirror his own.
I woke up, a little freaked out.
I mean… wow, subconscious. That doesn’t help me deflect anything! I began to worry that maybe it wasn’t just desperation and loneliness that was making me consider him.
And then yesterday happened. Being around him I wanted nothing more than to hug him, talk to him, just continue to be around him. “Carelessly” handing him something so that our hands touched, realizing that I’d done it on purpose after the fact.
We were talking after the service was over when this lady came up to me to talk to me about a guy she wants to set me up with (I’m not interested in this guy. Everything she says about him makes me less and less interested) and she just started talking about this right in front of him and he suddenly walked away!
No! I thought, super frustrated, Why now!? Go away lady!
I wanted nothing more than the chance to roll my eyes at him so he’d know I wasn’t interested in that guy. But I didn’t get the chance and it really upset me. Then, just looking at him, a strong and powerful emotion nearly bowled me over.
It scared me.
My eyes welled up a little. I grew breathless.
I haven’t felt like that in a very long time, and I haven’t ever felt it despite my efforts not to. But yesterday I realized that despite all my dismisses, my logical maneuvering, and my sheer will not to like someone who isn’t pursuing me, I…well…I’ve started falling for this guy.
Bushbaby saw my eyes well up and, because she knows me so well, when I told her I was “having all the emotions,” she was like, “Would you just admit to yourself that you like him already!?”
Her: “Just admit it!”
Me: “But I don’t!”
Ok I didn’t throw the Love-word around but I did admit that my feelings were real and they meant something.
I don’t know what will come of them. I could feel different in no time. Or there’s a possibility I could feel for him for a very long time before anything comes of it. But I’ll stop fighting it. I’ll give it a chance.
I trust the Lord to give me wisdom and help hold me together. It is a chance to grow, to open my heart to what God might do. I won’t cower away because I’m scared and didn’t expect this. Life is too short for that. So I’ll listen to this song and for once let the feelings have their way.