Cha-Cha-Changes!

Guys!!! I’m finally moving on to a new season!!!!

In the past couple of months the Lord has finally released me from this long 8-year season and has called me to move to the city.

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(No, I’m not moving to Dubai but just look at that gorgeous fantasy/sci-fi insanity! Ima pretend that that’s where I’m going on my new hovercraft with my AI bestie and robot dog.)

I’ve been restless since the fall of 2016 and have been praying and searching for over a year. I kept thinking God would reveal the next job direction for me so I was surprised when instead he gave me a place! I’m not really sure when because I have no other details yet, but probably sometime this year.

I’m both excited and terrified. It feels like freedom but also a crazy trust exercise. The Lord keeps reminding me to take one day at a time. Very Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

In November I started to take an acting class in the city with Dreamer (she’s actually an professional actor) because I felt very stuck and she recommended I try it to challenge myself. The class is this exercise for actors that can very much resemble therapy in certain ways. It pushes you to be truthful, present, and vulnerable. I have benefitted from getting out of my comfort zone, seeking connection with people and being willing to be vulnerable with them in a safe space to do so. It has helped me use my intuition to really see what is going on with others. It is also helping me identify and process my own thoughts and feelings which is usually a challenge for me.

There are men in this class.

 

Single. Attractive. Men.

 

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Granted, they’re not all Christians nor are they all my age, but they are fantastic practice for interacting with attractive single guys. Practice that I desperately need after living in my small town for 8-years and having hardly any prospects.

I’m not a shy person usually. I can have great conversations in which I’m animated and funny and warm and engaging and knowledgable. I can talk this way to a guy I’m not attracted to as the day is long. But as soon as I start talking to one I find appealing every thought flees and I politely start grasping for topics and say stupid things about the weather. THE WEATHER, guys! This happened at New Years and I’m not kidding.

So PRACTICE is fantastic. Also, the acting class requires me to keep eye contact with some very sexy men for a long time and I’m terrible at doing that in real life so its good!

It’s been so nice to interact with them, in many ways I feel like a boy-crazy teen again. I don’t hate it!!! But also I have to force myself to calm down a little.

Me:

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Me to me:

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Me:

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Me to me:

cool-it

Me:

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Me to me:

please

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12 thoughts on “Cha-Cha-Changes!

    • Leroy Jenkins, I just went back quite a ways and read up on my old posts and comments. You are seriously my most consistent commenter and I love it. You are now officially part of the whole experience of my blog, and I realized that now when you comment I’m like…oh, hey its “Leroy Jenkins”, my male twin. How are you doing? Any developments in your life?

      • Oooooh sister ace, your humility and earnestness in your writing (posts and replies) always makes me feel warm inside. Thanks for asking. I wish I could say something encouraging to you (and the other bros/sis’ reading this) but the truth right now is that I’m in a habitual cycle of porn and masturbation again, a little bit of self pity for myself on why I’m still alone and envy for those who are in a relationship. Sigh. Doesn’t help that I just turned 31 and feel some pressure from friends who view singleness as a lesser gift compared to being in a relationship. Maybe some FOMO too. Siiiiigh. I greatly appreciated HT’s comment below about being able to “deal” with the hunger for sex. It gives me some hope. I think I’ve just been too focused on the things that are temporary because I’m so selfish.

      • First, you being open and honest about how you are is encouraging. You are always a thoughtful encourager.

        Dang, friend. You sound really down. And down on yourself. I have definitely been there and can easily go to the dark place where I am my own worst enemy…only I forget that I have an actual enemy who continually reminds me of my failings to keep me down. It sounds like you but its lies from the enemy. Also, freaking married people. UURRRRGGGHHH.

        Might be time for something drastic to pull you out of it. Don’t know what steps you’ve taken, but don’t stay in the pit. You are young, and you have so much life ahead of you. If you need to make a larger change, like moving to a knew place, I can now honestly recommend it!

        You are not a failure. You are not disgusting and He is not ashamed of you. You are not forgotten. Your needs are not overlooked. This is not all your story will ever be. You are worthy of love. You are a son of God, saved, forgiven, empowered, and deeply loved and esteemed by him. Appreciated by me and I’m sure by others in your world.

        Also, if you have Netflix please watch the film Heart of Man asap. So good and relevant to our struggle and exactly where you are right now. Just…trust me…just watch it. Just. do it. Like right now. I’m serious!

        Praying for your heart!

      • Thank you for the exhortation and prayers, friend. Opening netflix now… 🙂

  1. I just came across your blog this morning and I am absolutely intrigued by your thoughtful intensities! I hope there are scores of women who are reading your words and finding themselves encouraged and relieved. Being a man, even I feel a sense of gratefulness to read about your feelings and your life with Christ. Anyhow, you have a fan in me! Keep up the marvelous efforts and know that your God loves and cherishes you!

    • Oh—one other thing I wanted to mention or even elicit a response about: In my own more recent experience, I found that being in a relationship was more helpful in terms of “dealing” (this isn’t the correct word) with the hunger for sex. That is, even though I was not having sex with during the relationship in question, the future apparent certainty of being able to have sex in an intimate and loving and adult (i.e., not saddled with naive notions about child-like innocence) was liberating. It was as though the sexual energy and the anticipation of release could be constructively focused into caring for, pursuing, and otherwise gaining spiritual closeness. Needless to say, it was exhilarating, satisfying and wholly pure (i.e., pure like refined gold, not like Victorian chasity). That relationship ended (very sadly) but it seemed to be a blessing and that God had provided a window onto what an adult romance could be. I just thought I’d mention this and hope that it might be helpful. I pray it is.

      • I love this. Honestly that is super encouraging and I’ve NEVER heard that before. Seriously! From anyone. Usually I hear about people crossing lines they didn’t intend to and feeling guilty about it, or they convey that once you are married your appetite for sex disappears. But maybe it can be the way you say for me. I don’t underestimate my sex-drive or overestimate my self-control. I think most people do the opposite and end up in situations they didn’t intend to, surprised by how easy it was to just go at it. But I hope that it will be the way you say for me! I’ll start praying for that!

        Thanks for commenting!

    • Note: this reply is actually intended for Ace Rosalind, but I’m replying here on HT’s post. I can actually vouch for what HT has said. I, too, had a relationship a few years or so ago and when I was in the relationship, what any sexual desires I had were undoubtedly put to rest. I knew that I was going to marry this girl, and we would have all the time in the world for sex (she even affirmed this to me multiple times). My relationship also failed, sadly, but I am appreciative of what God brought me through in the relationship. I was struggling with depression, sickness, lust, fear, and so many more things that God has brought me through! Of course I still struggle with these things now, however. Someone else had posted something back in 2016 on your admission post of dealing with “horny-ness.” It said something to the effect of when you have overcome masturbating (and, like you said, more-so the root causes) through Christ then you will find your one. That was the instant this relationship (I mentioned above) had started. God totally delivered me from anything carnally sexual BEFORE the relationship… like I said, totally and completely! It IS possible! I pray that you have total freedom from this, Ace! As now, I too – again, ugh, struggle with pornography and mild depression. God brought me through it once, and He can do it again I know… bless you all and be safe.

      • Thanks for sharing. I pray God’s blessings on you and pray you overcome depression. My heart goes out to you in that regard because I’ve been there. And it sucks. And I’m sorry you are going through it.

        I don’t know if I agree that overcoming the flesh is the ticket to getting what I want. I don’t think God works that way. I don’t think any one thing is keeping us from finding partners. I think the Lord has different stories for us and different journeys we have to take in order to be the people he’s called us to be, single or paired. Yes, we are being sanctified. I’m not saying you just live in harmony with your carnal nature. But the carnal nature will be there even in marriage, and we will always have to make the choice to live in submission to the flesh or the Spirit. I don’t live in bondage as I once did, but that doesn’t mean I’m sinless in my sexuality, AND I didn’t meet someone as soon as I started walking free.

        I absolutely understand the necessity of not entering a relationship when you are struggling with an addiction. The desire to be whole and free from that. Certainly. But I also don’t think that’s the one thing keeping us from meeting the one. You can walk free and be a great catch and still not meet them if it’s not the time. God may have other ways to grow you or them first. He might have other things for you to do. Or maybe He just wants us all to Himself for a bit longer.

  2. I’m so happy for you having the chance to meet new prospect! It must be exciting for you. I was from a bustling city already not meeting anyone, now I think is even worst living at the isolated area in foreign land. Sometimes I think God is joking with me. Wish you leave the singleness soon!

  3. don’t forget to update us on how it’s all going – love from another horny christian gal!! xx

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