Still here! Still Single, Still Horny, Still…Well, You Know The Rest!

I’ve been asked if I’m abandoning this blog and the answer is a solid no. I realize it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted and I’ve had some reasons for that. Mostly because this has been one of the most chaotic winters/springs I’ve ever had. Usually I get a little reprieve in January/February but this year I hit the ground running with hardly time to catch my breath. I can’t believe it’s already May! Since my last post I’ve been in weddings, gone on mission trips, switched out a roommate with another, moved houses (the most recent development), and dated and stopped dating a guy I met online (I know, I know!). And that’s just my personal life! Work has been busier than ever, too, and so I’ve hardly had time to write anything!

But enough about all that. I’m here to write about singleness, horniness, and walking with the Lord through those things.

So, first things first (drumroll please….)……..Online dating.

Not long after my last post I realized I was over my qualms about online dating and sure why not I’ll give it a shot.

BLECH.

Now, I’m not saying everything has been bad about it but the “BLECH” comes from the experience as a whole. Online dating is work. And it’s the kind of work that makes you feel shallow and discouraged. It’s a LOT of work with what seems like not much payoff.

What I mean is this:

I’m an introvert. When I get to know someone it is a drain on my energy. Who I invest my time in is an important choice. It is truly and INVESTMENT because it takes something out of me and therefore it needs to be worth it. I’m not talking about generally being kind and caring about others. I mean really getting to know someone from scratch to see if I want them in my inner circle. Well, in normal face-to-face life the majority of the time I can tell when I meet someone if I would want to spend more time with them or not. If I am remotely attracted to them or if I can at least have a decent flow of conversation. Online I have to get to know them enough to at least know that they are not serial killers and that they have a genuine relationship with Christ. This is frustrating and draining to me. I feel like I am investing a lot of precious energy and attention on something that, as soon as I meet them, will most likely be an easy “no.” And even saying this makes me feel bad but it’s the truth. I confess it.

Not only the feeling of it being hard work instead of something enjoyable, but also the sheer number of men I pass over makes me feel bad and discouraged. Let’s be honest. So many of them just need some help with how they present themselves.

Here is some advice for men who are online from a Horny Christian Single Girl.

Don’t put up photos of you and a bunch of women. Why do so many men do this? That doesn’t impress me. That makes me think you are a womanizer. If you HAVE to put one then make sure it’s you and your sister and make sure you put a caption letting me know that it is. If it’s a photo of you and an ex (even if you cut her out) just don’t use it. Ask a friend to take some new photos. I’m here to see you. Not you and the competition.

Stop posting pictures of you looking miserable. For the love, smile. No one wants to be with someone who looks angry/depressed/pitiful. A good smolder is fine but also let me know you can enjoy life too. Let’s see that smile!

Have photos without sunglasses. Has anyone ever told you you have nice eyes? Seeing someone’s eyes in a picture is very important, maybe more for women than men. They are the window to the soul and help me know you seem kind and trustworthy. Hiding the eyes makes me assume you are hiding something dark within. Please post pictures without sunglasses.

Don’t crop the top of your head out of a photo. Just own the hair loss. Be confident. A woman worth her salt is not going to pass you up for that reason alone. Also, just a hint …bald is beautiful. If it’s mostly gone then just own it and shave or buzz it. I believe in you. You can rock it. You is smart. You is kind. You is a sexy dang bald man.

Be specific about what you are looking for. If you are a Christian and want to marry a Christian woman than pay attention to your preferences. Those of us who put our relationship with God first check to see if you do too. If you are ok marrying a hindu, spiritual but not religious, muslim, christian then you aren’t the guy for me. That’s a deal-breaker. Also, be specific about what “Christian” you are. Protestant is very different from LDS. Know what you believe and pursue someone on the same page. That’s all I’m asking.

Write positively. Do you realize that bitterness and negativity comes across in what you write on your profile? One guy wrote something like, “I’m fed up with fake women and finally gave in to online dating to see if any of you genuine, God-loving women are actually out there.” Well, I can understand that sentiment but the way you came across was very angry and bitter and yikes I don’t want to go near that attitude. Instead answer the question What do you have to offer? Present yourself in a positive light, blog about your frustrations 😉

And finally,

Why are you here if you are not actually single!? If you are separated and in the middle of a rough divorce, please don’t date. Just don’t. You are only hurting yourself and others by dragging them in. Take time. Heal. Be single for a while.

Now, I realize that all of these things can be applied to women as well but, as a woman looking for a man I haven’t had to deal with the women of the big wide world of online dating. Only myself.

I’ve actually met 4 guys from online dating. Three of them were “no’s” after one date and the fourth…well, the fourth was actually a really nice guy.

We emailed back and forth for a while and he was the same personality type as me (INFP) and so we wrote eerily similar. He told me his dream job would be designing board and card games. I told him about writing and being stuck where I’m at in my novel and jokingly said he should design me a puzzle of a plot diagram and I’d put it together and be inspired to keep writing. The next email he sent me a link to a jigsaw website where he’d made me a puzzle of a plot diagram. It was really cute. And therefore I shall call him Puzzles.

Puzzles and I had a lot in common. We liked to do the same things, read the same things, etc. He was also passionate about God and had this confident way about him as far as knowing who he was. I enjoyed my time with him. He was a gentleman. But it was never any more than that. He was more a quiet type (which honestly I’ve always had a hard time with and never been much drawn to) and conversation didn’t flow naturally. It was like I had to do all the work. Not to the point where it was necessarily awkward because I wouldn’t have gone out with him more if that was the case, but just enough to make the time just okay instead of I-Can’t-Wait-To-See-Him-Again-I-Don’t-Want-This-Date-To-End sort of a thing. I liked him but I didn’t LIKE him. And he was starting to LIKE me and that didn’t feel right. After five very long dates I thought I should have more than just a cool fondness for him. So I called him and told him and he was very nice and we ended things well. After every date Bushbaby and Mom would ask me, “Well?” and after every date my answer was, “I don’t know. Maybe it could happen with time? Maybe because we are both INFP’s it will take longer because our personality types are slow to let people in at first because we feel so deeply about ‘our people.’ Maybe once we get more comfortable with each other.” And I never did.

Maybe things could have been different if he’d won me. There were some factors that might have helped if he’d done differently (one was that he was 15 minutes late to every date, one was that he dressed like a slob on our dates even though it turned out he had nice clothes that he chose not to wear, and one was that at the end of the fourth date he said we should talk about us and how we are feeling more to which I agreed but then he made no effort to initiate that.) but even if those things had been different I still think we didn’t have interpersonal chemistry (good conversation flow and the ability to have fun just being together).

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too picky. I mean…if he and I had been in an arranged marriage I think we could have made it work. But I’m happy being single and I want someone to add to my life the way I want to add to theirs. That’s different than having the ability to make something work. And I honestly have WAY more fun and meaningful conversations with my friends than I did with him and isn’t that wrong? And it’s not fair to him when he deserves someone who’s crazy about him.

There’s another guy, the one that I mentioned a long while back of almost having a thing with that didn’t happen. I’ll call him Dimples. Dimples and I have great interpersonal chemistry and physical chemistry. But, unlike Puzzles, he’s not in a financial or responsible place to date anyone and he’s very much a feeler to the point that I don’t know if I could handle that. He depends on others in a way he should have grown out of by now. I think I might end up being his mom and nope nope nopety nope to that!

Future Hubby, be he in existence according to the will of God, will hopefully be someone I can respect and have things in common with (like Puzzles) but also be someone I have fun just being around and can talk to and flirt with with ease (like Dimples).

I still have one online account that I check from time to time but I’m not actively searching like I was. The experience was bringing me down and it just wasn’t me.

One last thought on the subject that I realized is that to me affection is very precious and something I don’t give freely or lightly. It’s a message. It says, “I love you and want you and care about you.” On our last date Puzzles put his arm around me and I let him but even that small thing didn’t sit well with me because I felt like I was lying to him. I was still trying to figure out if I felt anything more than neutral toward him and until I knew that I really did have romantic feelings for him I didn’t want to send him that message. A casual hug hello or goodbye is for friends. That is fine, but more than that is too much for me unless I know that I like the guy. I don’t ever want to use anyone or lead them on just because it’s nice to be held. I want to be held when I know that it’s because I want HIM to hold me.

I’ve also been challenged to constantly question my motives about everything because I don’t want to act out of fear. When I got my cat I had some panicky issues about commitment. Will I regret getting a cat? What if he’s badly behaved? What if I can’t have as much of a life because I’m tied down to taking care of this creature? Etc. I got over all that anxiety after a week of having him because I fell in love with that fuzzy bundle of awesome and have never regretted getting him.

I’ve been single so long I had to question if I was keeping myself from falling for Puzzles because I was afraid of commitment. For someone who had longed to fall in love and be married as long as I have it sounds wack. But maybe that’s why. Go watch Tangled and listen closely to what Rapunzel says when she’s about to see the lights. (Yes, I did just make a Disney reference). I need to be careful not to act out of that same kind of fear. I prayed about this specifically before I ended things, and I do feel a peace that I did the right thing. But it is something to be aware of.

Thanks for reading and I always appreciate your comments!
Next post’s topic:

– The challenge of assumptions about you because you are a single virgin who rarely dates.

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13 thoughts on “Still here! Still Single, Still Horny, Still…Well, You Know The Rest!

  1. I have that same personality type! I know how draining it can be to try to hold up a conversation, especially if the other person is inclined to feel the same way. Lately I have been trying to focus on overcoming my fear of not being good enough (within a relationship; and in meeting new people, I get so self-conscious and self-condemning that I sometimes feel excruciatingly out of place) and learning why I fear that as I do. I think it probably is mostly a mindset I have adopted over time and have just come to accept. But I firmly believe in the importance of actively challenging the fear in my life so as not to become victim to it. And I know God wants to empower me to do this… and so it comes down to letting go of the fear to allow God to enter in and bring courage. I applaud you for facing your fears and for being honest with yourself along the way. In His perfect time, it will all work out!

  2. ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodness. i just happen to be browsing my feeds and BAM there’s a new post from your blog! yay! glad you’re still alive and still writing. i discovered your blog back in February and was astounded at how your writing hit me in that it evoked so many similar feelings that i’ve felt, as well as how other fellow readers felt the same way. it made me feel better that i wasn’t alone, but on the other hand, still quite alone in that all my fellow brothers and sisters are just nicknames and avatars. continue to soldier on friends. we have to! God is on our side.

    sometimes i wonder whether or not i’m idolizing being in a relationship/intimacy. i’m a guy, 27, very involved in church ministries as of late because of circumstances and very much enjoying it to a degree, but i’m also so physically exhausted from my regular day job, among other things. i think one of the things that irks me about serving in my church is that there are so few people my age and even a lesser number of girls who seem to be “running” at the same pace i am in regards to faith. or maybe i’m just ridiculously picky and have blinders on. i tried the dating app “tinder,” not to hook up with girls, but probably more along the lines of giving myself an ego boost to see fhat hey, i guess there are girls who are interested in me or find me attractive. after what was also feeling like the work you described in your online dating experience, i deleted the app last month because i felt like it just wasn’t a godly use of my time. also, the novelty wore off.

    back in february when i had first discovered your blog, i finished reading “wedding” (posted may 11, 2013) i just started weeping because it felt like i was reading about me, except in a very more articulate and eloquent way (and from the viewpoint of a woman). i cried and prayed a lot before going to bed that night. it helped, but if anything i think i need to pray and surrender my loneliness over to God more. sometimes i’ll be driving home from said church ministry late friday nights, alone, and it truly sucks when i look back and its been months and it seems like nothing has changed (social-wise aka not meeting anyone) and the self-doubt and pity creeps in, but for everyone reading this, (because i know you’re like me if you’re reading this blog AND the comments, hahaha!), remember that the gift of singleness is equal to the gift of being in a relationship/married. if we serve a good, faithful, all-knowing, and just God, those have to be equal gifts. just some food for thought which i remember reading in the book “singles at the crossroads” by albert hsu. maybe my season of singleness is so that i can be an effective minister, without any other “distractions.” how long will it last? i don’t know. am i willing to sacrifice my wants/desires of being in a relationship for the kingdom of God? it’s a tough question to ask myself. INCREDIBLY tough, but if my faith truly means anything to me, and if I truly accept Jesus’ sacrifice, then i think i have to be willing to sacrifice it, if i say i’m a committed follower.

    continue to worship and pursue Him hard, fellow brothers and sisters. and thanks, ace, for your continued writing. (please excuse the grammar/typos)

    • Thank you for sharing. Toward the end of your comment when you mention the question of singleness and sacrifice and surrendering those desires so that you might be single-minded (no pun intended) on the ministry God has for you right now…dude…I know, I KNOW, I know exactly that and how that question/issue/topic will cycle back around over and over. But you are absolutely right in that in light of Christ’s sacrifice for us we in turn sacrifice our timing, our longings, and our dreams to Him and focus on what He’s telling us to do in the present. Who in my life right at this moment needs the love of God extended to them through me? I’m seeing this very thing in my life right now.

      I just got home from the wedding of my old roommate. She lived with us for two years and I honestly don’t know that she would be married right now with a church family and a growing relationship with God if she hadn’t lived with us. God gave Bushbaby and I an opportunity to minister to her when He orchestrated her being our roommate and us being able to be the sort of encouraging friends she’d never had before. What’s more, when she and him hit a very rocky point in their relationship we were able to support them and help them through it.

      I’m also seeing God’s hand and timing with our new roommate as well. She was in desperate need of community with people who loved the Lord and things are going really well. I’m seeing why God specifically put the three of us together, how each of us are working on areas of our lives and the others are specifically perfect for encouraging that thing!

      If I were married, none of this growth would have happened. He’s showing me through examples like these how my singleness is being used to directly and personally show His love to others. I’m so thankful that He’s showing me, because I do realize that that is eternal and of far more importance than the timeline I used to have in my head. I’m willing to sacrifice that timeline if it means that God is using me to show His love to others in a way I wouldn’t be able to be used if I were married right now.

      Anyway, keep letting God use you. Keep letting Him address the loneliness and heartache that comes with being a single in a world full of pairs. And thank you for the encouragement! It means so much to hear from you.

  3. I feel certain it is more difficult for women to find a genuine man than the reverse; men are more visual creatures, and women have an increasingly Photoshopped standard to which they must live up. Regardless, coming from a man’s perspective, here are a few tips for women:

    1) Be Detailed. Remember, you’re discriminating yourself from dozens or hundreds of other women depending on your audience. Think about what everyone else is going to say…and then don’t say that. Here are a few random samples from brief online profiles:

    “I love life and I love living life. I enjoy traveling, adventures, restaurants, laughing, coffee shops, and socializing with quality people. I enjoy the simple life. It’s just better living and sharing life with someone else.”

    “I love to be active and have adventures. I’m lighthearted and easy going well unless of course you make me mad… and well… just joking. I am looking for an awesome guy to be my best friend to journey through life together. I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me.So who wants to go get coffee?”

    “I like to live everyday to the fullest. I love to laugh, dance, and am always up for an adventure. I’m looking to meet someone who is positive, energetic, and has a good sense of humor to have some fun with.”

    “I am a born again believer in Christ Jesus. I’m pretty easygoing and can get along with just about anyone. I can be serious but I dont think one should be all the time. I have horses and like to ride four-wheelers.”

    “I’m really into country guys, but will give anyone a chance. I love playing cards, softball and anything to do with water in the summertime. I’m also a Christian, and that is important to me and my set of values. I’m very laid back and super easy to talk to, so don’t be intimidated”

    It all starts to sound the same. Be deep. Be different. Don’t even think about describing yourself as “down to earth”, everyone does it. Talk about what makes you unique and different. if you don’t have much to say, maybe you don’t have as much to offer as you thought. (Don’t worry, now’s the time to change!)

    2) Use proper grammar and punctuation. Sloppy on the keyboard when you’re putting your BEST POSSIBLE face forward? What do you think that tells people how you will be when you’re feeling sloppy?

    3) Post a picture. Girls, come on. Guys are visual creatures. You aren’t fooling anyone if you post only head-and-shoulders shots; you’re hiding your body. If you’re comfortable with your weight, own it. If you aren’t, change it. But don’t judge men for being turned off by that, especially if you state a preference for a man taller than yourself. Height can’t be fixed. Weight can. Also, try to get someone else to take pictures. Don’t post a grainy selfie of you in your pajamas from your webcam. Go light on selfies, as well as the booze pictures. You may not drink that often, but if you only post five pictures and one of them is you with a beer, then 20% of what you just represented yourself as is drinking. Mind the decolletage; if you want to catch pigs, use pig bait. If you want to catch a grown man, be a grown woman.

    4) Be honest. Don’t misrepresent anything, seriously. If you’re an “honest” single mother (that is, escaped an abusive or unrepentant adulterous relationship) then put that out there. Match isn’t the place to shove “don’t judge me” in someone’s face; we’re all a little more sympathetic to someone whose husband cheated on them as opposed to someone with bad judgment that got knocked up. Also, don’t assume saying you luuuv sports is going to win brownie points. Yes, plenty of men like a gal who’s “one of the boys” or can support their hobbies, but we don’t all get our kicks with tailgating.

    5) Don’t be afraid to contact someone if you think you’d be a good match. Scrolling through names and faces can be wearying. Yes, guys should be the hunter, but there’s nothing wrong with cracking a twig.

    6) Now isn’t the time to flaunt your feminism. Most guys want someone that will “wife” them, and that means snuggling, loving and cooking.

    (Ignore/delete the first comment, WordPress published it before being done.)

    • This was super helpful! I’m going to reevaluate my profile now 🙂

      Also, quick question about #6. I don’t cook (though I will if necessary) and I think it’s misleading for me to say I’m a snuggler when I’m only going to want to snuggle once we are close… and even then I’m going to have to be careful physically because of all the reasons you’ve read about on this blog. Once I’m married he will be super lucky because of my libido and imaginative nature, but I can’t say that online! That’s blog talk! Not something a lady goes about selling herself with! Right? I definitely have a nurturing side and I think (I hope!) I’ll make a good wife and life-partner. I’m going to take care of my man.

      So, instead of saying “I love to cook, snuggle, and show my love,” what if I said something like this: “If a man steals my heart I will wife him so hard. He will always have someone in his corner, rooting him on and taking care of his needs. His home will be a refuge because he will always have loving arms to comfort him and a partner to work alongside him.”

      Eh? Too vague? Too…I don’t know…trying too hard?

      • Point taken, you don’t want false advertising or TMI. But you get the gist of it; show your nurturing side. Be deep. Be different. Be you. And I think every person that is trying to land a lifelong marriage partner should be continually trying to pick up new skills and having experiences that make you more qualified. For example, yes, cooking. It’s not altogether difficult, at least to learn how to throw a few dishes together. Everyone walks the line between admitting they’re just trying to end their dark night of the soul and looking pathetically desperate. You don’t want to look needy or clingy. That’s why I suggest leading with who you are and why you’re unique. Then talk about what you’re looking for.

  4. Online dating didn’t mesh well with me either. According to several girls in my area, they had the same problem–just not that many Christian guys to begin with around here. The few I chatted with, it seemed like what you said about Puzzles, I had to do all the work. Which I understand being shy or hesitant, but I can only do so much before they have to meet me half way or it won’t work. So for now I’m looking into other options for meeting people.

    Another INFP here, btw, with many of the same struggles you mention in this blog. I’m so thankful someone actually is talking about this, because no one wants to, but I think it’s far more common than anyone wants to admit. (Also I know what you mean about whoever you marry will be blessed by your vivid imagination and libido mixed with your deep nurturing side–let’s just say I’m right on that page with you, lol 😉 )

  5. I am so happy to see a new blog post! I came across your blog a few months ago and I absolutely love it. Like you, I am a single Christian girl in her twenties and I can relate to a lot of the things you have written about. Since I moved to a new city last year, I’ve been going through what seems like a very long period of loneliness. Even though I live in a very big city, I have found it difficult to make friends, let alone meet my husband. It has been hard but through this time of loneliness I’ve definitely grown so much closer to the Lord. I think that if I was in a relationship I never would have experienced this growth because I probably would have put a lot of priority on the relationship, especially when feeling as vulnerable as I did (and sometimes still do)! So I am thankful that God is working in me and my relationship with Him is blossoming, but some days are really difficult so it’s great to have encouragement from others going through the same things. Thank you for writing!

    • Thanks for Commenting, Michelle! I pray that God will send good people your way so that you have community. Also I pray that they are fun and the kind of people you can connect with from a shallow level all the way to a deep spiritual level. I’ve experienced that kind of loneliness before and it is not easy. I’m glad you are growing in the Lord, though! God bless.

  6. Really glad that I discovered your blog 🙂 can’t wait for your upcoming post – something I can really relate with. I tried online dating twice for the first time last year and they turned out rather disastrous, in my opinion. I agree with how sharing affection requires much more genuine effort and if you don’t want to hurt the other party, it’s better to just not continue. Both those online dates didn’t work out at all.

    Earlier this year, I met someone called E. We had a friendship which seemed to be moving towards something more. We had conversations about God, common interests, shared struggles and for once, it felt kind of unbelievable. Eventually, things died down and I don’t know whether it was just me being delusional or giving it too much hope in the first place. I think the best is to just seek God (which I’m guilty of not doing when it comes to romantic delusions at times) and be patient.

    I also question whether I’m too picky at times, it feels more like paranoia when meeting new people that seem interested. That paranoia brings up memories of E who I really liked and then sort of like regret. At those times, I kick myself for being sentimental and clinging onto something which just never happened.

    All the best with your work and plans 🙂

    • I think what you are feeling about E is perfectly normal. Even the small events that comprise my love-life still affect me today. It’s normal to be gun-shy when you’ve been hurt, even if it was only a moderate hurt, and thinking of trying again is daunting when you are left questioning if last time was worth it. Unfortunately romance has an innate risk. There’s no way around it. I think we have to trust God, listen for His voice, and be brave. I’m glad He can handle our hurts if we bring them to Him. God bless.

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