Cursory Crushes, Date Offers, & Open Wounds

Intensely Passionate 30 Minute Crushes

Yesterday I was in love for about an hour. Maybe 30 minutes or somewhere in between.

On my way home from our church’s Easter service I was convinced that I was in love with one of the guys in my band. Like, why aren’t we together? We should just be together. We’ve probably been in love these 4.5 years of our friendship and we just don’t realize it. So maybe I should just come out with it and he’ll be my boyfriend and we’ll just be together!

Sometimes, as a woman…well…maybe just as a human in general, for no reason you get swept up in these emotions that have nothing to do with logic whatsoever.

See, he is a friend that people have been asking me why I’m not dating for the four and a half years we’ve been friends. He’s sweet and SO MUCH FUN. Well, the most simple answer: I’m not making the first move and he refuses to do so.

So when my 30 minute passionate love for him died down, logic made it’s way back in.

I’d want to change him, he’s too passive, I’d hurt his feelings with my honest nature, he’s not as passionate about God and ministry…etc.

So all in all, even if he DID ask me out, I don’t know that we would have a future. But if he got up the nerve to ask me then I would definitely consider it because it would show growth and I’d want to give us a chance to see if the other things are true. I’d just be scared of the consequences since he’s my friend and we are in the band together.

But as a single, for that brief time I wanted so badly for me to really be in love with him. Because he’s so FUN! And I was mangry.

Let’s be real. Mang-er was the reason for all of it.

 

Turning Down the First Date You’ve Been Offered in 5 Years

I got asked out for the first time in a long time and it was not by someone that I wanted to ask me out. I turned him down as gently as I could (“I don’t really see us”) and he was polite about it. This guy is the king of awkward. A very desperate, needy, insecure type of guy with just a hint of creepy. I’ve given him no reason to think I was remotely interested and yet he still took the chance. So for that I at least give him props for putting himself out there and asking like a man…a gentleman at that.

So why can’t someone like my bandmate or the friend that I was considering last fall, who actually would have a chance, man up and ask a girl out? With a direct, clear question? Why is that too intimidating? My respect for awkward guy went up just because he was brave enough to take a chance. Bandmate’s unwillingness to do so is exactly what makes me hesitate the most about him.

All in all, I still don’t think any real prospects are in my life at the moment. But I’m changing, or trying to. Christ is showing me areas that need more work so that I can thrive as His temple, as His child, and as a single adult. He is showing me how to be a good gift for my future husband, because He only gives good gifts to His children. A LOT of this has to do with my physical health, but more so my spiritual walk with Jesus.

As I said before, there have been stumbles and failures, but more victories and avoiding temptation altogether. This morning I had intense physical desire but prayed, “Holy Spirit, help me! I need you!” and the longing left me. I’m experiencing victory by the power of the Holy Spirit in the moment of crisis! Not only is there great joy in overcoming, but also in knowing that God truly is bigger than our carnal nature! And He’s faithful if you turn to Him!

One last thing.

Encouragement vs. “Helpful” Criticism

I’m trying to make being physically fit a bigger priority and part of my lifestyle. I don’t always have good eating habits and I gain weight far too easily (lame!), but I also loose it fairly easily if I actually do the work and stay away from the fries (O, fries of the french! Why doest thou tempt me with thine deliciousness!?). In the past I’ve gotten down to the size and shape I want to be and feeling so good about it! I love it! But I also love tasty things, and as anyone who has read my blog knows, self-discipline is not my strongest suit! So since Christmas I’ve been carrying around that extra weight, trying to scrape up the motivation to deny my tongue the joys of french fries and ice-cream, and hadn’t been doing so great. This, of course, poured into the rest of my life in not so great ways, I guess.

One day I called Dreamer (the one who is engaged, whose wedding I’m in), not knowing I was about to be blindsided by extremely hurtful words that left me in tears and feeling like I’d been casually stabbed in the chest with a bowie-knife a few-dozen times.

She said she was worried about me, but when you are worried about your friend you should pray about what to say to them and how to say it. She did not. It kind of came out in a big rush of her raw emotions that left a wake of desolation across my unsuspecting being. I’d rather her of just said in summary, “I take issue with…this.”

Here’s what she could have said:

1. Because of some of the things I’ve noticed when hanging out with you and Bushbaby, I think you should pray about whether you’re relationship is too co-dependent. Just examine it because you might overlook opportunities for new adventures or friends because hanging out with her is comfortable. She seems to rely on you a lot and so it would be smart to just check on your boundaries.

2. Consider how you present yourself to people who don’t know you. I know you and love you, but you might not represent your best qualities to new people who meet you. I’ve noticed that you open up more when you are taking pride in your health, so make it a priority again! Your confidence gets an extra boost and you reach your potential. I want to see that again and I know you do too. Also consider that hanging out only with your younger friends (mainly Bushbaby) might reflect immaturity on you so don’t default to them. Don’t be afraid to stand on your own.

3. I’m telling you this because I love you and sometimes worry about you being in a rut and I never want to see that. Do you get where I’m coming from and is anything I say valid?

Here’s what came out:

1. You and Bushbaby have this awful co-dependent thing and I can’t be around it so I’m not going to stay at your house anymore. You act really immature around her and you need to hang out with people your own age to practice being social.

 

(Thanks for dealing out the punishment of never staying at my house again before giving me the chance to explain or fix it or work on it. So gracious of you)

 

2. “Your confidence seems way down.” “You need to consider what kind of man you want to attract because, well…do you want to marry, like…a gamer?” Those and her other comments summed to up say that I’m a loser with no confidence because I play videogames all the time, hang out with people waaay younger than me, and I like anime (all of which are vast exaggerations: I JUST got an xbox so I’ve been talking about it it because it’s new, but have not been playing it to the detriment of my social life. I do have 3 friends who are younger that I spend a good deal of time with but I also regularly hang out with people older than me and my own age. And I like Miyazaki films and Avatar the Last Airbender…WHICH SHE DOES TOO! So thank you for condensing my entire life into an exaggerated image of three tiny parts of it!)

 

Then she said, “I try to think of setting you up with my guy friends and I just don’t think…I just don’t see you being…” (Basically I’m not good enough for any of her friends. I’m not even set-uppable.)

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3. “I’m just worried about you! You just seem really insecure and I see peoples potential. I just want to make sure you don’t get stuck. But thanks for being so easy to talk to” (while I’m sobbing on the phone BTW) “and just take everything I said with a grain of salt.”

 

She did call and apologize the next day but for the “timing” of the conversation. She wasn’t sorry for what she said or how she said it. Only for when she said it, I guess. Just a clue to anyone out there who is thinking of giving their friend some “helpful” criticism. If you are upset/angry/annoyed with them for something, make sure you plan out what you’re going to say and don’t let those emotions drive you to say something harsh and cruel. Even if you think something you don’t need to share it all. Only what is helpful and encouraging.

Also, if you think your friend has low self-esteem, DON’T CRITICIZE THEM FOR IT! I didn’t feel particularly self-conscious until she told me I was an insecure loser. NOW my confidence is low!

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It’s hard enough to fight the lies of condemnation that Satan throws at you. Those whispers that something is wrong with you and that’s why you’re single. And then someone who was JUST in the same boat a year ago goes off on a wild spree and blatantly says those things to you without remorse…someone who you thought was safe. While I’m thankful that she isn’t afraid to confront me on things, I wish she’d shown more tact and grace, encouraging instead of criticizing, belittling, and judging me.

I’m not going husband-hunting. I believe that God can bring Him through the very doors of my church if He wants to, or that He will make it clear when I need to seek something outside my social circle. That’s not good enough for Dreamer. She thinks I need to join a new small group at a different church or get out more…but she didn’t meet her fiance doing that! She met him at a wedding and her friends introduced her. And guess what. I go to weddings. But I guess she won’t be introducing me to her friends because she doesn’t think I’m good enough.

The first list of things she should/could have said are the things that I’ve been trying to focus on because some of it I do need to consider, but it has been tough to drown out the accusing voice. And tough to forgive because I’m still hurt and angry that she said what she did, and was so condescending instead of loving about it all. I hate that during a time when I want to be there for her and celebrating with her this has come up between us…a big fat wall I’ve put up to try to recover. I’m still talking to her, I’ve seen her twice, but I really DON’T want to tell her anything about my life because I don’t feel like I can trust her. It’s hard to know how to go forward with my friendship with her.

I know we’ll work through it. I love her too much to give up our friendship because she was a huge ass to me that time. I want to forgive. Maybe I need to let it go, get over it and move forward. Maybe I need to work through it with her. I don’t know.

Confession: I know that some of what she said is true. I don’t like admitting that. Confessing it. I recognize my immaturity in even writing about it, too, with all my sarcasm and bitterness. But it is part of being a horny Christian single girl…the things people say and the effect words can have. How you handle it or don’t. How even if you’re someone that doesn’t have many feelings rise to the surface like me, certain words can bring as acute a pain as salt in a wound. Please pray for me on this. I’m trying to sort truth from lies and focus on what God wants to teach me, but Satan’s voice keeps trying to pipe in and bring condemnation and discouragement about my self-worth.

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14 thoughts on “Cursory Crushes, Date Offers, & Open Wounds

  1. Reading your blog, sometimes I think you’re me. Or possibly my sister (we are very similar!) I don’t know your friend but if you suspect she was telling you those things in love, try to lean on that idea. It wouldn’t hurt to speak with her about her delivery, though, as it does sound very inconsiderate and unkind.

    In response to your “30 minutes in love” I completely get you!!! What is with (Christian) guys these days? They are so indecisive, so passive, and so *unattractive* because of their lack of manly pursuits in anything at all!!! If he’s known you for four years and hasn’t asked you out, well then, he’s had his chance honey!! Don’t waste your fantasy life on him. 😉 But don’t be surprised if he asks you out once he’s heard another guy has. Or if you bring another attractive guy to church with you. Guys do that. I was single (never had a boyfriend) until the ripe old age of 25. I met a tall, buff, handsome blond on a dating website and brought him to church with me. Suddenly it felt like every guy (all of them I’d known for years) wanted to go out with me. It was sooooo weird! But lots of guys get complacent when things are comfortable and don’t seek to change them. So maybe trying out a small group at another church wouldn’t hurt? It might get things moving a little bit within your community. You never know! But only do what you want to do, or you won’t fully enjoy it. 😉

    I wish you luck. I’ll try to comment more. I love your posts! God bless 🙂

    • Thanks for the encouragement!

      What is with guys being interested only when other guys are been interested!? Competitive much? haha

      It makes me think of the Hunger Games when Haymich explains to an angry Katniss, “He made you look desirable!”

      You are right about my friend. I know she loves me and it would take a lot more for me to stop being friends with her because she means a lot to me. Eventually I think I will talk to her about it if the Lord opens up the right opportunity and gives me the words, but right now I’m going to move forward and give her grace. Since writing He has helped me sort through it more and I’m healing.

      I’m keeping my eyes open for new opportunities.
      “But only do what you want to do, or you won’t fully enjoy it.” I love that! And I will! 🙂

      Are you still dating tall buff blonde guy? 🙂

      • Yes we are still dating and will likely get married. He tells me he wants to marry me and and I him, and that is a set plan for our future. But alas, I must wait for so long for him to finish school. It’s agony. Sometimes I wonder if singledom was easier. It was in some sense, but I could never feel as “at ease” about my future as I do now. So it’s a two edged sword!!! Gah!

        And yes, dating a guy, especially a cool one everyone likes, gets you a lot more attention. I was rarely asked out and no one that wasn’t the “creepy akward guy in the corner” even paid attention to me until I met my current man. Guys are so annoying sometimes. All the attention I’m getting now would have been so nice before I’d found “the one”. Back when I thought there must be something wrong with me ’cause only the creepers ask me out. It would have helped my confidence a lot!

  2. Babe, I wanna tell you what a blessing your blog is. Reading your honest sharing tells me I am not alone in my sexual desires vs depending on God. Thank you and please keep writing! He is definitely working through you, your experience, as conveyed in this blog to help other girls who are keeping silent because everyone is.

  3. I was actually googling “single horny christian” and found this. This is what I am going through EXACTLY. I find myself (well, my nether region and hormones) “rationalizing” why a quickie may be just a good thing, even though my heart/head/faith are telling me no. You want to hear some? Here goes:

    1. “well, im already LUSTING so may as well do it! Even Jesus said its the same!”

    2. “I wont get involved emotionally with him, it will just be physical, that way I wont get hurt or end up dating another loser”

    3. God created these sexual urges. He said its not good for man to be alone. Its also in THE BOOK that if we are burning for lust, to get hitched. Since i dont want to make the mistake of getting hitched to the wrong guy, I will just find one to tide me over.

    Stupid huh?!?! But it all FEELS so clear!

    About 2 years ago, i finally had the guts to dump my emotionally abusive bf (who is the father of my youngest son). A guy who did more damage to me than anyone ever had. I suppose a 40 year old living with his mom and treating her like a dog would have been a huge red flag but noooo…that nurturer in me was going to “fix” him. HA! Lesson #4382…DO NOT TRY TO PLAY GOD IN ANYONE ELSES LIFE. ok…Got that one learned.

    Anyways, here I am. In the same sexually frustrated boat. And getting worse. Its been about a year. (yep, i took him back for awhile. It takes me a few times of sticking my hand in the fire before I learn how hot it is). Glad to know I’m not alone though.

    • I thought I replied to you back when you commented but am just now seeing I didn’t! First of all thank you for commenting. I hope you are doing well and free of lame-ass men. God has so much more for you than that! I’m sorry for your struggle. I want to encourage you that it is possible to live in freedom. Much of that requires wisdom to know what changes to make. God says that He will give us wisdom if we ask for it (James 1:5).

      I’ve done my fair share of rationalizing, too. We must bring truth to those excuses and hold on to it. For example:
      “well, im already LUSTING so may as well do it! Even Jesus said its the same!” As far as sin goes, yes, it is the same. However, lusting hurts only yourself. Acting on it with someone you shouldn’t hurts both people involved. The consequences are far more severe. When Jesus said that He was explaining that the state of a person’s heart was more important than what was shown on the outside. But there are earthly consequences to our actions even though God forgives our sin, and the earthly consequences of sexual acts are far more complex and messy than lust.

      Wisdom in many ways is staying a step ahead of your bad choices. Setting up boundaries that keep you from making those bad choices. Like me not filling my head with lots of sexual material. That’s being wise because it keeps me away from the line of temptation so I don’t cross it. Maybe for you it’s no longer going to the places where you meet people who tempt you. Or removing numbers from your phone. Or spending more time with the right kind of people.

      Whatever your situation I pray that you are finding victory and growing in the Lord. He loves you so incredibly much! I pray His blessings on you!

  4. If I could give my younger self (or younger single guys for that matter) a piece of advice, it’d be “Just ask her out already.” Now that I’m engaged it’s easier to say that, but I know all too well that it’s very difficult to get the courage to ask a girl out…. A few things that kept me from having the guts to ask a girl out (and my current, hopefully more rational, thoughts on the matter):

    (Just for clarification, when I say “you” in the points below, I’m typically talking to my younger self, not you the reader of this comment.)

    1. Change is scary. “What if she says no? Or even worse, what if she says yes? What’s that going to mean for my life? Does that mean I won’t have time to play video games anymore? But I don’t want her to not be in my life… I’ll just wait and hope that God sends me an email telling me what exactly I should do.” Those are just a few of the silly thoughts I’ve had when I’ve been interested in someone in the past…

    2. “But will it ruin our friendship if she says no?” Okay, yes, friendships with members of the opposite gender are great, but ultimately they don’t last as long as you think they might. People tend to get married and have kids, and unless you live next door to that person, you’re probably going to lost contact. Especially if that person is of the opposite gender. It’s just too awkward and improper to maintain a close friendship with someone of the opposite gender when they’re married to someone else. So unless you’re the one that marries her, you’re not going to have a lifelong friendship with her anyway.

    3. “Well I don’t see any other guys interested in her right now… I can take my time deciding if I should ask her out.” And yet the moment you even suspect another guy might be interested in her, then you’ll become a jealous wreck and feel like you’ve missed your chance, and then you’ll either slink away in depression or awkwardly try to pursue things at lightning speed, neither of which are good options.

    I’m definitely glad that I met my fiance and that I asked her out. The relationship may have progressed slower than she’d have liked, but I eventually put a ring on her finger and I can’t wait until we’re married (wedding planning sucks though… go small). 🙂

    Also, thanks for your blog. I think it’s very relevant for both girls and guys and an encouragement to those of us that deal with similar struggles.

    • I love this comment! I’m glad you asked your fiancé out, too, and put an end to all those excuses. My poor future husband will have to play less Xbox because I’ll be on it! 😛

      • Haha, nice. I actually found a couple co-op games that my wife (we’ve been married for almost 3 weeks now!) actually kind of enjoys playing with me (even though she’s not a gamer). It’s definitely fun to play games with her. 🙂

  5. Personal criticism always hurts. I tend to have critical dreams that say things about me. I hate the criticism and are angry for a while, but with time it’s less hurtful and with a more rational headspace I usually admit it was right. The next step is to try and change and I’m sure God loves us asking Him for help to make the change He wants, to improve our lives. You have made efforts to change and progressed. You also said there are other areas you want to improve. You can’t do it on your own and you may have to change other areas of your life, like the suggestion to find a new social circle. But you will do it if it feels right. I am a Catholic and I have great faith in the sacraments. Your Pentacostal church does not have the real Eucharist, the real body and blood of Christ. Read Jn 6. Today is actually the Feast of Corpus Christi, celebrating the real body and blood of Christ in the Eucharist. The graces you need to become an awesome you will be received by obeying Christ: ” In all truth I tell you, if you do not eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you…For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink” Jn 6.53,55. Look at the bigger picture- Church history. God may not answer your most pressing desires until you truly open yourself to His will: “May they all be one” Jn 17.21.

    • Thanks for commenting! And for the record I’m not Pentecostal. I understand the differences in what you and I believe about the sacraments and I’m okay with where I stand on it. But thank you for your encouragement!

  6. I know it has been a while since you wrote these last two posts, but I wanted to leave a little note saying that I think it is super cool how much traffic you seem to be getting. Not only because that is fun for a blogger, but because you are obviously impacting people with your testimony! So cool. Also, I think that it is really awesome that you are(were?) working with the youth and making sure others aren’t left in the dark on this subject. Keep it up! Your sister in Christ,

    – Tori

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