About

A description of my sexuality:

Gettin all dressed up with no place to go…a great majority of the time.

Sexual frustration is a BIG DEAL to some of us christian singles who want to save sex for marriage and honor God with our whole-selves, including our sexuality. So I’m going to talk about it. And some other stuff too.

Someone has got to stand in front of a bunch of Christians and teach them how to sing about Jesus, and that just so happens to be me: a 26 year old single woman who loves Jesus and has given Him her life, and who really wants to fall in love, get married, and go nuts on the man God gave her.

14 thoughts on “About

  1. Hi,

    I want to truly THANK YOU for being so transparent and brutally honest with your feelings. Thank you for your courage to share your deepest struggles. I must say that I stumbled upon your posts in a desperate search for a “way out” when I was caught in my own struggles. God sure works in cool ways, and I feel so blessed to experience the peace and comfort from reading your raw honest posts. I know that I’m not alone in my struggles and have talked to friends and read other pieces of writing before, but I have never ever heard such an unfiltered and honest version before. It almost felt like I was reading a journal of my thoughts that I’ve always been… afraid to verbalize.

    I’m in a similar life stage, except as a guy, and I’ve been wrestling with all that as well… lust, masturbation, hormonal rages, tempted by stupid excessive images and scenes in movies and on TV nowadays… and then under all that mess I struggle like crazy in trying to lay down those carnal desires because God’s design of marriage is much more beautiful and He intends the very best for us. And having patience and trust in His timing, His provision, His design and His orchestration of relationships… it’s just so difficult. Especially when my brain keeps on telling me “hey, you’re at an age now where you could totally get married” and so many people around me are starting to get engaged and married. When I’m a 5th wheel or 7th wheel in groups, I need to tell myself “TRUST TRUST TRUST” hahahha.

    When you wrote about jealousy, I was so humbled. My close friend and housemate, BONKERS (since you gave your friends nicknames, I shall too haha), is slightly younger than me, but things just seem to always go so easy for him. Loves God and all that… but it just feels like relationships always just easily happened and he never really had to struggle with the singleness/trust stuff. But that seed of evil jealousy can really twist our journey, so I’m glad you brought that up. What I’ve been thinking about recently is that we’re just called to be faithful with what He’s given us. We’re only going to be single once! And then married for the rest of your life. So I’m thankful for this period (involuntary haha), and I agree that we learn soo so much from being single, and we really get to know ourselves more and grow in a healthy way. And all these lessons, these struggles, these times we wrestle with God in our singleness- by really giving it up to Him… I’d like to believe that these are all great times of trial and character-strengthening that will really bless your future marriage with your spouse.

    And when you shared about how you were a worship pastor, I was floored too, so thank you for sharing that as well. I do a couple things at church as well, and sometimes I just feel dirty and hypocritical, for wanting to lead others to pursue Jesus but knowing that my heart and mind fails too often in that aspect. And what you say about God’s grace is so true too… sometimes so hard to fully receive when we feel stuck… but it is RIDICULOUS how He doesn’t want to condemn us, but to save us. And we’re just helpless in that. Such relentless love.

    I feel so blown away to hear someone else’s raw thoughts- it’s like you showed all the cards in your hand, and I’ve been reminded that I can show mine too and not be afraid of others seeing. It’s that awesome weird feeling of peace when you realize that things are okay knowing that you desire to fully follow Jesus but can be completely unashamed of the bumps along the way. And yeah… after getting all the thoughts out I realize how silly some of this all is, after being able to see and think about things when I’m not in a “hormonal rush” stage haha.

    Anyways, sorry for a long unorganized ramble… I was definitely hesitant to click on your blog when I saw your url… especially wondering if I was getting myself into trouble, being a guy. Hahahha. I’m definitely NEVER talked to a girl about this stuff. It’s just always been the kind of thing you only share with your bros. So when I started reading I was just pretty shocked. I mean, I knew that it wasn’t only a “guy” struggle and all that, but I never knew to what extent… But I guess these carnal desires and struggles are all pretty much the same!

    So very simply, thank you for the time and courage you put in to share your honest feelings. You have a beautiful heart, and are definitely being faithful with your struggles by sharing them, and thus blessing so many of us because it truly encourages us. It could be a good sign when your posts stop coming one day- or at least you will have to use a different url!

    And thanks for your heads up: “Guys, when you find a woman who isn’t tainted by bitterness it means she’s a fighter. It means she trusts in the Lord. A soft heart in a full-grown woman is a valuable prize because she’s done serious battle to protect it. Don’t you want a woman like that to fight beside you?” – Yep, that sounds pretty awesome!

    Take care and God bless!

    • Andy, do not apologize for your long ramble because I love it! Thank you so much for your feedback and your encouraging words. I read and re-read them :)

      You and I must fight the enemy when he tries to tell us that our particular sin makes us unworthy to serve the Lord and lead others. He tries to shame us and make us forget that Jesus took our shame upon the cross. He tries to make us believe that because we don’t have our act together we shouldn’t be up on stage (or serving in other ways) because who are we to stand before others? But the truth is that the only reason we can stand before others is because of Jesus and His grace alone…like you said, because of that RIDICULOUS love! And in our humility we can truly see that in our weakness He is strong. You are not a hypocrite! You are a forgiven son of God. No shame can hold you back from doing good!

      Thank you for sharing your heart with me and letting me know that I’m not alone. Your words have made me feel validated and greatly encouraged!

  2. Very brave and commendable blog. I believe that the modern church tries to spare the feelings of people who are trapped in singleness that trying to suggest that it is a good place to be and part of God’s plan. While I believe that the Lord does have all things under control, he was very specific that he saw it good that man and woman should unite in marriage.

    I’m in much the same situation as you. Single and not wanting to be. I want to be married, I want to have children, and, yes, I want to have sex. I won’t because I can resist that, but I haven’t found a wife and the sexual urges are ever present. As they should be. Because I was created as a sexual being and those urges were put there by God who wants me to be able to act on them.

    One day soon, I hope.

    You are not alone and you are handling the pressure (to both have sex from your own body and to be asexual from the church body) beautifully.

  3. Classic Ace, I’m glad you are fighting the urge to masterbate, I’m fighting it too (with the same difficulty). Every day we resist is the reward to rise higher amongst the firey intelligence of God. This is what Haraclitus, a Greek philosopher in 6 Century B.C. realised. J. V. Luce in ‘An Introduction to Greek philosophy’ says of his belief: ” Soul would …have a natural tendency to follow the ‘upward path’ to the Fiery Intelligence which is ‘only- wise’, and it would be the duty of an intelligent person to enhance this tendency by appropriate conduct.” ” The upward path called for self-discipline and the avoidance of excessive pleasure.” This was someone who lived five centuries before Christ, ( in Ephesus, where Mary, the Mother of God, would live 5 centuries later, after Jesus was crucified). The ‘duty’ is natural, to make sacrifice in order to commune with God, (because God created us for Himself). By our obedience (like Adam and Eve before the Fall), God is with us, and we are happy (though not completely). But St Thomas Aquinas said, our sins can postpone God’s plan for us. So each day lived well is a day to experience God’s love. Of course God always loves us, but by serious sin we reject God, we cause a serious rift to occur, like in a relationship.
    I’m a Catholic and I recommend receiving all the sacraments that Christ has given us, to strengthen us with grace. Unfortunately Protestants do not have all the sacraments. However I love your style Ace, your heart to page dialogue. It is very Godly, pouring out your troubles to God. I hope this is how you pray to him, He loves a sincere heart, a contrite heart, a heart that is struggling. I wish I did this more, instead of forgetting God and trying to escape. You have given me more determination (for tonight at least).
    I’m an introvert too. I know God wants me to use my gifts, create, write, spread the good news, fight Modernism. The more I do this and the less I sin, the sooner I will please and inspire my soul-mate. I’m single too, but 46 D’oh! God bless you. Visit my blog, and I’ll bookmark you, sister in Christ.

  4. From one unintentional loner, horny, sometimes jealous, all my friends are married, 25 year old,Christian single to another…THANK YOU. Keep blogging. Please. I’m reading this on another Friday night alone with my cats. The pity party had already started. This was an encouragement to me. If nothing else I can enjoy my coffee and Ghirardelli dark chocolate a little more tonight ;)

  5. hey, are you going to update this blog? It’s such a relief knowing I’m not the only one out there going through this same thing :)

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